Our Weekend Adventure

It began as a side mention.  It blossomed into one of the best weekends in memory.  It ends with a whispered prayer. "God, let me have at least one more weekend there, like that, before I'm to the edge with desire for salt and sand."  There are some stories best left to the ocean..kinda like Vegas.  What happens on the beach, stays on the beach!  The boyz and I had the car packed, the coolers loaded, and made it on the road only an hour later than I planned on Friday.  By 2:30, we were in Wilmington and beginning the transfer of our stuff into the truck.  A quick run to the grocery store while the first load of stuff, kids, dogs, and people were taken to the beach.  Back to the house for the second load of stuff and then it was my turn to go!  It's been many years since I've been on the beach in a truck and I forgot how awesome it feels.  Driving down the beach with dunes on your left, the ocean on the right.  A wave occasionally kissing the tires.  Most of the stuff was set up by the time I got there and the boyz and I jumped in and set up our tents.  The boyz set up pretty quickly and headed right back in the water while we popped tops and dropped into chairs.  I'd guess 5:00 is when we were finally situated...just in time to see the tide coming in, the sun beginning it's slow journey down, and grills all around being fired up.  

There is just something about the beach that makes hamburgers taste so much better.  Maybe it's the sand!  Angela and I took chairs down to the waters edge and watched the boyz play in the water.  Nic and AJ made "sand angels" and then turned them into silly faces.  Then began the handstand contest....Momma still wins those!  As it began to get dark, we dragged the chairs back up and lit the fire.  I should say, tried to light the fire.  It took awhile but it eventually was burning bright and warm.  Those moments of quiet, sitting next to a fire, hearing the ocean waves mixed with the sounds of a radio, wearing a bathing suit for pajamas, and listening to the conversations around me are times I will never forget.  I guess that doesn't make sense....but it does to me.  The quiet came from within me.  The peace that I had been seeking.  The fact that my soul was being soothed with every roll of a wave.  Every pop of the fire.  Every note from the radio.  Every giggle from my babies.  Every laugh from friends.  As I crawled into my tent sleepy and warm I realized I still had two more days.  What a wonderful feeling that was.  I fell asleep to the sound of rain drops on my tent, the breeze blowing, and the waves crashing.  The fact that I awoke soaking wet, freezing cold, and realizing it was 2 am and POURING rain into my tent was not as bad as it sounds.  I just rolled over, found a dry piece of blanket, and fell back to sleep.  As usual, I was awake shortly after 6 am and layed there listening to the rain continue.  I managed to stay there until 7 when I couldn't take wet clothes any longer.  I stayed up about an hour before giving up on the weather changing any time soon and went back to sleep until 10.  By that point I would have killed for a cup of coffee!  Instead, I was handed a beer.  As dark as coffee, almost as warm, and very good.  

By the time 11:00 rolled up, Angela, the boyz, and I were once again at waters edge.  This time we were on the other side of the park.  The boyz enjoyed finding shells, crabs, hermit crabs, and fish.  The sun was out and it was getting hot!  We stayed next to and in the water until almost 2 and then headed back to the campsite for lunch.  Again, grilled pork chops taste so much better on the beach!  Angela and Michael needed to run back to the house and the boyz and I were all sleepy.  All of us fell asleep in chairs around the fire pit...I think I was asleep before they left.  A 2 hour nap and then we were back in the water for the next few hours.  As we walked back to the campsite, Angela and I decided we needed s'mores.  Both of us covered in sand wearing shorts and bathing suits drove out to Food Lion.  It felt weird to be half dressed, no make up, and sand covering my feet walking into a grocery store....until I realized that's how half the other shoppers looked!  Of course Angela had to pee so I tagged along for the sheer pleasure of using a REAL bathroom.  This is the part where I should mention that I washed my legs and feet off in the sink...I'm so glad no one came in and caught us with our feet up under the dryer laughing like crazy!  On the drive back the only access road back onto the beach was beginning to flood with the tide coming in.  Then came the fun part....driving back across the beach while watching the sunset and the water creep closer.  I tell you....there is nothing like it.  We got back to find the guys struggling to build the fire.  Angela fixed it for them and we put shrimp on skewers and let them roast over the wood.  The first one I ate wasn't what I was looking for.  I took the next one, peeled it, sprayed it with butter, and roasted in the flames again.  That one...yeah, that one was GOOD!  Then came the fun part....s'mores.  I think Nic managed to eat four!  After everyone was sticky and full the boyz got very quiet.  The next thing I knew, they were gone.  I found them snoring in my tent!  Their tent flooded worse than mine the night before.  All their blankets and pillows were soaked along with the inside of the tent.  I figured the three of us would be fine sleeping in my tent for the night.  Boy was I wrong!  Next time I'll sleep on the sand. Or in a chair.  Or anywhere but inside a tent with two stinky, sweaty, snoring, mattress hogging, blanket stealing, boyz!!  I woke up on the floor of the tent, halfway outside the opening, with only a pillow and someones elbow in my back.  Blah!  I was the only one awake for about an hour and I sat watching the sunrise.  What a glorious morning.  The ocean and the sunrise....all that was missing was a cup of coffee.  By this morning, I was wishing and hoping for a cup!  Michael and Gabe were the first ones up.  AJ followed about 5 minutes later.  As I sat there trying to decide where to start with the packing, Micheal asked if I wanted coffee.  Without hesitation, I said yes!  He told me if I helped load up as much as we could in the truck, we could run it to the house and get coffee.  SOLD!  Yes, I sold my labor for a cup of coffee.  Don't judge me!  I had that truck packed and ready in 20 minutes.  It would have been faster except for trying to pack around sleeping people.  We headed out under a beautiful and sunny sky.  After unloading the truck at the house we hit Port City Java drive thru and headed back to the beach.  As we turned onto the access road to the beach, a few raindrops fell.  By the time the tires hit the beach it was thundering, lightening, and POURING!  I felt so bad for Angela and the boyz as we had left them to finish breaking up camp and getting everything ready to load up.  We pulled up to find cranky boyz (and Angela cause the boyz had been useless helping!) that looked like drowned rats.  My boyz had not even begun to pack up our other tent, which also happened to be the only thing I hadn't worked on because Nic was still sleeping when I left.  By the time I packed everything up and was breaking down the tent, the heavens had opened and I was soaked.  We no sooner put the last of the stuff in the truck when the rain stopped and the sun came back.  Dammit....isn't that the way it always goes?!  The drive home was off and on rain and I dropped the boyz back off with their Dad and was home by 2:30.  Just in time for it to rain pretty hard while I unpacked the car.  Again....Dammit!  I started the washer, washed the coolers, and headed for a shower.  I swear it took two scrubbings to get the sand out of my hair and I'm fairly sure the hot water heater is still trying to refill.  It was the most amazing weekend and I cannot wait to do it again!  Sand, sun burn, dead cell phones, beer for breakfast, sand in my burger, shrimp on a fire, rainy nights, good friends, good music, and most of all....the soothing of my soul, ocean front!

I know I'm behind in posting this.  I literally wrote it the day after we came back.  So very much has gone on since then but I can say one thing for sure....that weekend was the beginning of many things.  More than anything, the balm for my soul I had been craving.  As I write this final paragraph, I'm in the middle of preparations for Florida (a week from today....EEEP!) and thinking ahead to another camping weekend if possible.  

As always, a quote....   "Forget not that the Earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair."  Khalil Gibran  It is one of the most powerful quotes to me....Hmm, tat idea???

~trish

Dragonflies

Write it out...she says.  Ok, I can try to do that.  This one has been brewing since Sunday.  I've gone back to wearing my dragonfly necklace.  The huge charm that I bought at an airport kiosk three and a half years ago.  It's not where the dragonfly originated for me.....  It all started on a flea market trip a little over five years ago.  My sister and I went to the fairgrounds and walked around, "window" shopping, talking, and just getting out of the house.  It was maybe a few weeks after my husband and I separated and there was still internal struggle for me.  As we walked, we went by this jewelry booth.  Anyone who knows my sister, knows her "thing" is purses....this day, we were looking at sunglasses.  I remember spotting a gorgeous dragonfly necklace that had both dark and light blue gems.  As a Virgo, my birthstone is a sapphire and while I knew these gems were NOT even close to sapphires, it was beautiful.  The problem came from never wearing jewelry...not since I married at least.  Simple post earrings, a solid wedding band, and on occasion, a watch.  Jewelry was not a priority nor should it draw attention.  Let's leave it at that....  I showed April, tried it on, and put it back.  In my mind, it was a very large, noticeable, and I couldn't justify the expense.  I don't think I had ever worn anything more than a simple chain at that point.  I was 29 years old, newly single, and terrified of drawing attention to myself.  Sounds funny to those who know me now doesn't it?!?  I ended up buying it.  As silly as it sounds, it was the most difficult purchase I've ever made.  It's symbolism went far beyond the dragonfly.  I wore it daily until the chain broke.  It came from the flea market after all.  I bought a new chain as soon as I could because I literally felt lost without it.  After 2 years, the tail of the dragonfly broke off.  It was walking through the airport in Florida that I spotted the one I now wear.  They didn't have a blue one, just a pink one.  I bought it and wore it faithfully until over a year ago when I was given a smaller, more delicate one.  Recently, I've been wearing an angel heart.  Sunday, I decided I needed the strength my dragonfly gives me.  It's heavy actually....and comforting.

I've done a bit of reading...about dragonflies. For me, it symbolizes strength, independence, beauty, and flexibility.  It's also most often found near the water...like me!  One of the articles I read says that in almost every part of the world, the dragonfly symbolizes change and change in the perspective of self realization.  The fact that they are found near water, skimming the surface, represents the act of going beyond what is seen on the surface and looking at the deeper implications of life.  There have been dinosaur dragonfly fossils found proving that they have been around for 300 million years.  For a species that lives anywhere from six months to six years and spends most of it's life as a nymph, this is amazing to me!  As an adult dragonfly, they usually only live an average of two months.  That is long enough for them to mate.  There are legends, myths, stories, and horror stories about these creatures.  Then again, depending on who you talk to, you will get all those same things about people too.

Now that I've gone...on and on about this subject, it is time to go accomplish some important things.  Change, it's the only constant in life.  Well, that and taxes.  I'm heading up the stairs to iron Nic's shirt.  Tonight is 8th grade graduation and it's a family affair.  All dressed up and ready to shine...in about an hour.  Change, my oldest boy heading to high school.  Change,my youngest boy heading to middle school.  That's right....AJ did it!  He is officially going to be a 6th grader in the fall.  He rocked the EOG's and the decision was made to promote him!  Rock on my babies....your whole life is ahead of you and your Momma is your BIGGEST cheerleader!

I normally close...with a quote or a lyric.  Tonight there is enough anticipation in the house that I can't think clear enough to think of what I want.  I'm going to end without one...which means that this is not the end.  Only the beginning.  <3

Finding the Peace Within

Ever had those moments... where your hands just hover over the keyboard, feeling like there are words you need to get down, but not knowing where to start?  Not knowing if there is anywhere to start.  Knowing for sure that there is not an end at the moment.  That is me lately....so unsure of anything and everything.  It's the worst feeling in the world.  The only saving grace is that I am constantly reminded of how strong I am.  All I have to do is take a look at my life, my children,and I am reminded.  In the moments I forget, I have some of the most amazing friends and family a girl could ask for.  When I begin to feel like I can no longer put one foot in front of the other, a simple phone call or text lifts me back up again.  I have found a peace within that I didn't know existed.  It gets crushed, on occasion, by the pressing things going on around me....then resurfaces and I feel a glow within that has no explanation.  My music always reflects my mood.  When I'm stressed, it's loud and dirty.  When I'm peaceful, it's sweet, melodic, and soothing.  Today, I'm going with the soothing.  I have found a new artist....with Baby Girl's help of course.  His music is right up my avenue.  Soft, thoughtful, and meaningful.  It's the words of my soul....music lyrics are my scripture.

As I predicted...this post is just ramblings. The scrambled thoughts of someone struggling within.  I will find it again...that which my heart and soul crave.  I always do.  It's the little things.  Watching Lily wave "Hi" as her Nana taught her.  Installing a ceiling fan all by myself...using power tools!  Hearing a song that makes my heart sing and my soul sigh.  Those are the moments that we remember in the darkest times.  Those are the memories that will sustain you when you can't find the light.  I just have to keep reminding myself that the light must come from within.  When it does, it shines so bright that others are warmed by it.  Indeed!

I usually close...with a quote.  This time, I think I will close with lyrics instead.  I think it is more fitting, given the content of the blog.  "Yeah I've been feeling everything, from hate to love, from love to lust, from lust to truth, I guess that's how I know you, So I hold you close to help you give it up."

~trish

The Storm

I took a nap and awoke to a strange sound. I lay there half asleep wondering what had woken me. I heard it again... A scraping sound. I fell asleep with the balcony door open, as always. I sat up wondering why it was so dark and heard the ominous sounds of thunder. A rolling sound that grew louder before the boom. A streak of lightening lights the sky as I walk through the door and up to the railing. A gust of wind rakes the hair from my face as I hear the scrape again, right next to me. It's the chairs being blown backwards by the wind. I stack them and look out to the ocean again. People are racing to close canopies, grab chairs, grab towels and reluctant children, and the thunder shakes the sky once more. As I watch the people below running to take cover a thought creeps in. It's always been my dream to watch a hurricane come in. This is nothing close to a hurricane but I'm here, the ocean is angry, and I believe I am too. I grab the first jacket I can find, which happened to be my Momma's jacket, my camera, and the room key. I slip shorts on over my bathing suit, zip the hoodie halfway and I'm out the door before reason can take over. I'm not sure if my feet actually touched a single step during the five flights of stairs down. Of course I'm barefoot as there is no other way to be when you plan to stand in the fury and watch the waves pound the shore. I race across the patio area, up the steps to the walkway, and wonder for one moment about my plan. I turn around and see balcony after balcony on either side. There are people watching from the safety of cover. I don't want safety. I want anger. I want rain. I want wind and thunder. I sit on the top step, mere inches from the sand. I watch the sea oats bending to kiss the ground, hear the thunder ripping through the sound of the wind, and again hesitate. I'm so tired of holding back from what I want. What I need. Stuffing my phone in my pocket and burying my hands I step out onto the sand. The wind rips off my hood and rain stings my face. Determined, I cross the empty beach wondering if the water is cold. At the first dip of toes in the waves I realize it's like bath water. I wade knee deep feeling the current pulling my feet. I was not sure how long I stood there until later but for that moment, time stopped. The waves crashed so furiously that there was no way to tell where one stopped and another began. There came a point in the downpour when I couldn't tell what was rain and what was tears. Not until I licked a drop of moisture from my lips did I realize I was crying. I have anger some times at the losses in my life. Both physically and emotionally. I felt each wave like a moment in space. Like a brutal beating of regrets, dreams, hopes, and fantasies. As the water rushed away from my feet, I felt each one washing out to sea. Lost in a vast depth that only God can fathom. For as much as man tries, he can never explain the sheer depth of feeling that the beauty and power of the ocean has upon my soul. As I stood there sobbing, lost in the sounds of a storm and the waves, I began to feel renewed. Awe struck. It was a breathtaking, terrifying, and mesmerizing feeling that no words I can write would ever explain. Nor can the pictures I snapped. For a brief moment, I was only one person out there. I was not alone though. I was touched. Moved. Motivated. Maybe even understood. Then the sun began to light the sky just enough to feel as though I was heard. The waves glowed, as if lit from below. Then sparkled like a million diamonds. Before I could exhale the breath it felt like I'd been holding for hours, the sun was gone again.

I'm back upstairs. The storm is gone. A momentary pause for most of these vacationers. I write sitting on the balcony, feet through the bars, feeling the now soft breeze. The people are flocking back down, setting up their chairs and splashing in the waves. How I pity them for missing the best part of the vacation. Then again, for that space in time when it felt as if I had the beach to myself, I thank them for being scared. They let me have my moment with God. I needed that. I found myself free, even if it was only for a moment.

Faith, graduation, and patience

For the moment...it feels like good things come to those who wait. Patience has never been a strong point for me. In plotting my next move, it never occurred to me the forces at work. Suffice it to say, being damn good at what I do was rewarded. With written promise of more to come. That brings a sigh of relief. The second job has not panned out, but alas, this was a blessing due to there being another "plan" in the works by my God. Some of y'all might be surprised to hear me talk of faith...truth is, only one knows the secrets of my heart and He isn't telling. I often forget to "let go and let God," but I assure you, the last six months, I have done a LOT of that! He has heard and responded. Maybe not in MY time or in MY way, but always in a way that makes me say, "Ohhhh, NOW I see!" To put it simply, I am a blessed girl and though I forget it at times, today I am reminded again.

I watched my...Baby Girl walk the stage and receive one of the greatest milestones of a Momma's life...her high school diploma. Yes, I am fully aware of this being her accomplishment. Her moment. Her hard work and dedication, even in the face of great struggle. But all of you have to admit, this is one of the biggest things a parent wants for their child. I told my kids since kindergarten, "The only FREE thing you will ever receive in this life is your high school diploma. No matter how much you f* up after that, no one can ever take that accomplishment away from you. If you play your cards right, it will also open doors for you that otherwise would be shut, locked, super glued, and welded shut!" I had the utter joy, the absolute delight, and the heart stopping moment of watching this for my girl. Hearing them say her name, "Erin Nicole Gilliam," brought a quick series of flashbacks. The moment during my ultrasound when the doctor told us it was a girl. The moment her father and I chose her name. The moment I watched Mark cradle her in his arms, tears in his eyes, as we awed at her beauty. The first time I said her name out loud. Hearing her name called during kindergarten graduation. The sparkle in her eye the first time she sat in the drivers seat and looked at me and smiled. The sound of her voice when she told me she was pregnant. All of this in the space of a few heartbeats as I watched her walk across the stage, shake hands, and grasp the prize. Erin Nicole, Baby Girl, my first love...I am so proud of you. I'm awed by the wonderful woman I see when I look at you. I am still amazed at the beauty that is you, not only outside, but inside as well. I love you deeper than the ocean, higher than the sky. Always.

{sunset on the way back from graduation}

Now comes...many long weeks of missing my boyz, working extra hours, and deciding the next step in my life. An interesting suggestion was made to me today and it has left me thoughtful. I have always wanted to go back to school and the suggestion thrown out today brought that back again. Can I handle it? Am I too old? Will the boyz understand the long term benefits? Do I REALLY want to take that step that has always been a dream? Time will tell. That's the funny thing about time. It waits for no one. No one is promised tomorrow. Things change in the space of a breath, a heartbeat, a moment in time. I already look back and wish I had done things differently. Do I want to feel the same way a year from now? Wondering if I had just taken a leap of my faith, trust that His plan will unfold as it should, and do what I want... Who knows? There might be more in store yet. Until then, I'm making more time for friends, myself, and continuously reminding myself that only I have the power to control my reaction. Shew! That's a lot to handle on a good day! Lol

For those who don't know...the running/walking has been put on hold. On June 2nd, I got up early and ran. During the last quarter mile, my knee started aching. I slowed to a walk and as I was nearing the end, I decided to run the last bit. Two steps into the run, I knew I couldn't keep going. I figured I just pushed too hard and after a hot shower and Motrin, I felt better. Unfortunately, by that Monday, I could barely walk, let alone handle the pain. I had it checked out and it appears to be patella tendonitis. It's been almost two weeks and there have been some very bad days. I am hard headed (is anyone surprised?!) and have struggled to stay off my leg. I'm pleased that while I'm hurting tonight, it is a tiny bit better today than yesterday. Yesterday was a little better than the day before. I miss running. It became an escape. A chance to think. To spend time with the boyz. To just...be. I fight with myself that I need to give it a few more days before I try to walk the trails. My heart though, screams to go. Again, patience is NOT something I possess!! Hopefully I can get back to it soon. Otherwise I'm going to go crazy!

I want to close...with a quote but I'm going to have to think about it. In the meantime, I have garlic roasting in the oven, hummus on the menu, and a cold beer in hand. Time to upload some pictures while I muddle through the muck in my mind for a quote.

"And think not you can direct the course of love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.  Love has no desire but to fufill itself.  But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires; To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.  To know the pain of too much tenderness.  To be wounded by your own understanding of love; And to bleed willingly and joyfully.  To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving; To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ectasy; To return home at eventide with gratitude; And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips"  ~Khalil Gibran, The Prophet

Tough days and "It's a Girl!"

~originally written 6/3/12~

So much brewing...in my mind for the last few days. Some good, some not, and some ever so peaceful moments. Friday just was not a good day. I struggled to remember to breathe. In, out, in, out. I tried to stay busy after a morning of a stomach that wasn't happy. It was mentioned today that maybe my nerves were the cause. Hmmm. Possibly. I didn't feel bad, just a tummy that was miserable. I dropped the boyz off and was back home by 5. Then began just hours and hours of struggle. Couldn't say why or what. Just was. I can say, it ended much better. Sometimes, a simple whispered statement can change your whole mood.

I woke up...the next morning with the lingering frustration of the day before and was somewhat angry with myself. As I lay there contemplating this anger I realized that I am allowed to have bad days. I'm human. Add to that being female and it's a done deal. If I wanna spend a day being miserable, cranky, and weepy...I'm allowed. It's what I do NEXT that matters. So, with that thought, I poured a cup of coffee and had a few sips while I got dressed. Tennis shoes tied, hair in a ponytail, and I was out. 5.2 miles later it was only a little after ten and I felt wonderfully better. The trails were breathtaking. There was enough of the morning chill in the air that I felt refreshed. Cleansed almost. Branches and leaves scattered all over the pavement showed evidence of the storms during the night. Yet the sun was shining and as I rounded one of the curves I saw such beauty, I lost what breath I had left. The sight of the sun burning the moisture of the asphalt made a gorgeous mist. Everything was a spectacular green, lit with rays of the sun, mixed with the mist. Just spell bounding. I am so thankful I made myself go run. By the time I got home, had breakfast, and a shower the day was off to a great start.

Saturday...was Erin's ultrasound. I was beyond excited that she invited me. Momma was coming too so I anxiously awaited her making it to my house since we were riding together. It seemed like the longest drive ever! We, of course, were 20 minutes early. Erin, of course, was barely on time. Harley, his mom, and his grandmother were also there. Seeing the images up on the screen just blew me away. Ultrasounds have come a long way since my babies! We watched her open and close her mouth, often sticking her tongue out! Eyes open occasionally, hand playing with the umbilical cord , and chubby cheeks so obvious! She has mine and Erin's lips and did I mention the chubby cheeks?! I am so blessed to have been there to witness!! I cannot wait to snuggle Lily and kiss those cheeks!

Oh my "What a melancholy day," I kept thinking. "What a a GREAT day," I kept thinking. The last day of the school year. No more getting up at o' dark thirty. No more homework, folders, missing pencils, lack of appropriate clothes at the last minute, and watching for buses. This also means no more quiet one on one convos with Nic while we sip coffee in the morning mist, watching for approaching lights and listening for the squeal of brakes. No more snuggles on the couch with AJ watching cartoons and contemplating breakfast choices. No more egg sammiches made with half open eyes while groping for the coffeepot. No more stories at the dinner table of who said what, who chased who, and what was going on the next day. It brings more opportunity for outside activities while we soak up every available ray of sunlight. It's the end of one adventure, the beginning of another. Tomorrow, we celebrate with a day trip to the beach before they head off to their Daddy's for a long visit. Saturday brings Erin's high school graduation...another melancholy yet joyous day. This is what we, as parents, work so hard for. What we yell about. What we spend sleepless nights worrying about. What we anticipate, even when they are but a speck in the womb. It's our goal from the moment we hold them in our arms. To see them grow.  To see them pass another year. To watch them become people. Productive, hard working, thoughtful, and responsible adults we can point at and say, "I made that. I did that. That one is MINE!".  A quote...."Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.  Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.  It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.  We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?  Actually, who are you not to be?  You are a child of God.  Your playing small does not serve the world.  There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.  We are all meant to shine, as children do.  We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.  It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.  And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.  As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.". ~Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of "A Course in Miracles," 1992 (commonly misattributed to Nelson Mandela, 1994 inauguration speech)