Sunday

I've been snuggled...in my bed for the last two hours with my AJ. Watching movies, eating oatmeal, drinking coffee, and enjoying some one on one time with my "baby." It isn't often that I get time with my kids individually so I'm soaking in every second. He, on the other hand, is raring to go, go, go!  I know he has enjoyed this morning almost as much as I have but he misses his brother. Nic stayed the night with my Mishie and I'm sure he is in no hurry to come home. I haven't decided yet when we are leaving since I knew that Nic was hoping to spend the day there. We had the best time yesterday. I forget how much I need my friends until I'm with them. We are not destined to walk the journey of life alone. It requires friends, family, and loved ones to reach our destination. Sometimes they walk beside us as we stroll through the easy moments. Sometimes they pick us up and carry us when the weight of the world pulls us down. Other times they walk ahead of us to forge our path. Our journey should never be taken alone. 

After a 5.2 mile run on Friday...(go US!), yesterday morning was damn near a circus act while trying to get out of bed! I ached in muscles I didn't know existed. I figured out that as I kept moving, things were loosening up. That is, until I tried to go to the bathroom. All I can say is, thank God for a strategically placed wall and bathtub. Without those, I'm not sure how I would have gotten up!  Once up again, I just tried to keep moving. I managed to get some coffee in me and just when I started to feel slightly human, here comes Nic down the hall. Limping, moaning, and barely refraining from tears. I couldn't help but chuckle since an hour before, that was probably the look on my face!!  "Just keep moving baby. It gets better," was the only thing I could say. That wasn't even said with a straight face. After a long day with friends, finally lying down around midnight last night felt sooo good!  Final words of last night.... "I cannot wait to run again tomorrow!" Today is the day and I'm pleased to still feel the burn in my calves. Much better than yesterday, but still noticeable. 

Since AJ is getting cranky...and tired of waiting, it's time to jump in the shower and rock this day. There are many loads of laundry to do, floors to clean, and dishes to do but ya know what? It'll be waiting for me whenever I decide to tackle them. Right now isn't that moment. Today we are going to enjoy the moments. It's not the moments in life that make it so, it's the life in those moments! Or something along those lines :p Enjoy, I know I'm going to! 

Ahhh, a lovely afternoon...spent by the pool with Mishie, Momma, and all the boyz.  It was absolutely worth the drive!  It rained pretty hard on the way back and by the time I dropped Momma back at her house, it seemed to have stopped. I'm not so sure what the sky is going to do but I KNOW that I really want to run. Nic is game. AJ, not so much. Nic is currently re-stringing the weed eater and I'm going to change clothes in the hopes that if they don't want to go, I can still go alone. I figured since I started a load of laundry, I've at least put some effort into much needed housework. Off to see what happens. Stay tuned....

All I can say now is..."the best laid plans of mice and men." I'm not sure where that line comes from but it sure as hell fits my evening. When I dropped Momma off at her house this evening, letting AJ stay was mentioned. He didn't want to stay, so he said. Nothing was said about it all the way home. Get here, I change, start a load of laundry, Nic fixes the weed eater, and AJ eats dinner. I head out the front door to say I'm ready to run and AJ throws what can only be described as a "drama queen hissy fit!" Nic is my usual drama queen but AJ was showing his colors tonight!  He didn't wanna go, he didn't wanna stay, he didn't wanna do anything but whine! This is when he informs me he wanted to stay at Grandmas but needed to come home and eat first. *sigh* That boy will eat anything that doesn't eat him first. I made HIM call and ask if it was ok to come over while Nic and I ran and thankfully, the answer was yes. Sooo, drive there, slow down and let him jump out (just kidding....geez!), and Nic and I race to the park. The issue at hand was the sign says they are open from sunrise to sunset. It was 1930 when we started the trail. He and I did 3.2 miles in 35 minutes, and I ran 2 of it before I punked out. We went back to Momma's to pick AJ up, I visit with Momma for a few minutes, and then we say goodbye and head to the car.  AJ comes to the car, hangs his head, and asks if he can stay the night. I tell him he has to ask Grandma if it's ok, the answer is yes again, and while shaking my head, we head back home...just Nic and I. I was a bit cranky about that but truth is, I had some one on one time with AJ this morning, now I get some with Nic. To make a long story short, it lasted an hour and a half before my Mom had to bring AJ home. *sigh again* Oh well, I had an amazing run with Nic, had time to talk with him on the way there, to Momma's, then back home again. I feel fantastic from the run even though I can barely move as I write this! I say I see a difference already though I think that might be wishful thinking. Whatever it is, I know that I am making steps (ha ha, see what I did there? :p) towards taking care of ME! 

One of those "steps"...is taking the time to write. I know it's cathartic to get the words out. It's always been my thing I guess. Pouring out the thoughts that swarm and buzz. I have found that whether anyone reads it or not isn't the point. It's having it THERE when/if the kids ever wanna read it. The words are there when I need a stroll down memory lane. When I posted the blog the other day, I read backwards, all the way to the first one. I cried, I laughed, and I ached with the memories. I have friends who are overwhelmed (in a good way!) with the "baby" moments. I write this with a daughter graduating in two weeks,  also turning 18 in a month, ALSO giving me a grandchild in about 2 months, and 13 and 10 year old boyz sound asleep down the hall. This is what we do as parents. We raise them to be independent. To have lives of their own. To unfurl the wings we've given them and FLY. I often wonder if they realize that as Momma's (and Daddy's!), our hearts are in our throats while we wonder if we did the right thing over the last few years. I remember changing diapers, sleepless nights, tripping over toys, and wondering if it would ever end. Let me tell you, on a Saturday night, kids asleep before 10, nothing more than a stray shoe accidentally left in the floor, I feel slightly lost. Time to find myself eh?  Bring it on!  This summer is my turn to find ME!  We'll see what I find. We'll see if I can keep these changes I'm making in place.  I read that it takes 21 days to make something a habit. I'm 13 days in to a new routine....here goes nothing. 

I have a quote...as usual. I was introduced to Khalil Gibran about 2 years ago and I keep his writing, "The Prophet" open on my iPod at all times. I love the quotes and this one seems fitting... 
"Therefore let your soul exalt your reason to the height of passion; that it may sing; And let it direct your passion with reason, that your passion may live through its own daily resurrection, and like the phoenix rise above its own ashes." 

Monday

Waking up I knew...it was going to be one of the mornings that I caught an extra 45 minutes of sleep on the couch. I didn't sleep much or well the night before and it was going to take that extra few minutes (and several cups of coffee of course!) to get me through the day. Thankfully, traffic was decent, work went smoother than usual, and I was in the car at 5 pm. That so rarely happens that I actually smiled while I locked the office door!  A phone call home to let the boyz know that I was on the way and I discovered that they wanted to go to White Deer Park to walk. I hesitated because yesterday I went alone and walked just shy of 5 miles. I wasn't sure I could handle two days in a row after so many months of minimal physical activity. I asked if they were sure that is what they wanted to do and heard a unanimous "yes!" from the peanut gallery. I made it home by 5:20, changed, and back in the car on the way by 5:30. We started the trail by 5:45 and all I can say is it turned into one of those evenings where I didn't have to remind myself every few moments that it is not ok to eat your young when you are of the human race. They had me laughing from the beginning. We saw a woman we had seen last week who they call "poufy." Then, AJ had to exclaim loudly, "Isn't there a 'no nudity' rule here?"  This occurred when a formerly large man ran by without a shirt on. I have to admit, a shirt would have helped cause I was worried some of the swinging skin might do bodily damage to passing people. We saw some beauties of nature along the way. (I do NOT mean people!) I found an opportunity to talk to my boyz without telephones, computers, or tv's running in the background.  What a blessing these walks have been.

As usual...my writing is sporadic and rarely gets completed the same day. It's Thursday now, the end to my work week (at my paying job that is!) and the boyz and I just got home from a RUN. No, that isn't a typo... We actually ran two miles.  The trail we take is 2.2 miles around.  There is another mile that you can add on if you go through the woods.  I half walk, half run when I'm by myself.  I have been walking the last week when the boyz are with me.  Due to them knowing that my health has been an issue lately, they are the ones encouraging the daily walks.  Today, they decided we had walked enough.  About half a mile into the trails, Nic says, "Let's run from here to the wooded trail where the extra mile starts."  I look at AJ who exclaims, "Let's DO IT!"  We all put our headphones in, give thumbs up, and we are off.  Now, I had told them "low and slow" to start out.  I'm proud to say all three of us did a solid mile before stopping.  We took it down to a brisk walk while high fiving each other!  I'm beyond proud of those boyz!  Not only for encouraging me but for doing it WITH me.  We walked probably a quarter mile, then ran another mile, then walked a quarter, then ran the end of it.  Total for the day is 3.2 miles!  I'm sore, still drying out the sweat, but feel AHH-MAZING!  They talked all the way home about tomorrow, attempting to run more.  Did I mention how damn proud I am of them yet?! :p


Some other things...have been brewing lately.  I'm still torn on how I feel about stuff but I have finally seen some of it for what it is.  A blessing.  After months upon months of struggling with how to financially continue in my current job, an opportunity fell in my lap.  I'm NOT leaving my current job.  While I absolutely love what I do, I am beyond done with the drama that comes with it.  I just remembered how best to proceed.  A conversation last night stuck in my head all day today and honestly, it's what has me in the current mood I carry.  Over two years ago, I inked "it is what it is" on my forearm.  I put a lot of thought into where I was going to put it.  I knew what I was putting, just not where.  I chose my forearm to be a constant reminder.  I finish the quote (if you view it that way...I do, it's my blog, bite me if you don't like it....) in multiple different ways in my head.  It just depends on the day and the moment.  Today, I've finished it (in my head of course) with "and only I have the power to control how I react."  That reminder has been missing lately.  It isn't that I didn't "see" it staring at me from my arm....it's that I chose to let emotion and reaction control me.  In that aspect, I can only blame myself.  I got through today with the thought "it is what it is" and "one day at a time" running through me.  Hmmm, another tat?  I'm definitely over due for another one!!  I back track, as usual, but suffice it to say... With the opportunity that has arisen, I have a chance to bust my ass this summer, make a difference in my finances, and it is up to ME to remember that I have to take care of myself.  Physically (by running/walking, checking my blood sugar more often, and paying attention to what I'm eating)  Emotionally (by remembering that only I have the power to control MY reaction to any given situation, and that a person can only deal with one day at a time...even super Mom)  Mentally (by remembering to do things for ME...I foresee a trip or two to my favorite place this summer.......)  When I'm running, it's what I see in my mind.  What I dream I'm running towards.  While I run, I dream of the sounds of the waves, washing in, taking my worries and fears, and rolling back out into a depths that I cannot fathom.  Letting those worries and fears wash into an abyss...No longer needed by me.  Taken on by something more powerful than myself.  By something that will exist long after me.  By something that is never ending, as it storms in, and quietly rolls back. 

Dinner is done...and boyz are staggering in looking for food.  It's time to close for now.  I'd like to say I'm going to make more effort to post again.  Truth is, who knows if I'll have the time, let alone the words.  Writing has always been my release.  We'll see what tomorrow brings.  I can only take "one day at a time" and this day is almost over.  I'm ending it with a feeling of peace.  Something I've been missing for a few weeks.  It feels pretty damn good if I do say so myself.  And I do...cause it's my blog and all :D


I leave you with a quote...as always.  Though this time, it's from a song I love.  The Fray, All At Once     "...all at once the crowd begins to sing, sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same..."

It has been awhile... since I have posted anything.  I figured this morning I would take the time to get some words down.  I still write on occasion.  It isn't blog material though.  Mostly just thoughts, random, scattered.  Does that surprise anyone?  It has been a very rough few weeks.  If it's true that you get stronger through your experiences, these hurricanes, earthquakes, and possible tornadoes don't wanna mess with me.  I've learned a few things recently....

Tough Love... is the most heartbreaking thing in the world.  You give them wings, teach them, nurture them, make mistakes, learn from your mistakes, set examples through those mistakes, and still, when they fly...  It is a devestation to the heart and soul that nothing else can touch.  There isn't much you can do but pray, hard, long, and often.  Then stalk your family for updates, make unanswered phone calls, cry deep in the night, and hope that one day, it will get easier.  That is all I can say about that...

Poker...  On a lighter note, turns out I love the game.  I am not horrible at it, however, I know I have a lot to learn.  I enjoy unwinding, learning the terms, messing up the terms to annoy the die-hards, and yelling at the avatars who join the games.  I can't join the real games now that school has started back so my only escape into a game has been online.  Gotta love anonymity!

School, Birthdays, and Fall... Are all ahead!  Sitting in the car at the crack of dawn this morning, heater on, window open, hot cup of coffee in hand, and a bit of one on one with Nic made the desire for leaves of fire, crisp and cool weather, and the enticement of pumpkin latte's.  Soon....  My birthday approaches quickly, Nic's 13th birthday isn't far behind, and then my baby turns 10.  I feel so damn old!  Party time y'all!! 

I don't think... I've said much, but it is a start.  It has been two days of learning new routines, struggling hard to find a balance between working "normal" hours, kids, homework, dinner, and housework but I know, this too shall pass.  We'll get there, we always have, and we'll be better for all the struggles we've overcome than had things been simple.  Who needs simple?  (Wait.... I NEED SIMPLE?!?!? LOL  OK, not simple, just smooth!)

~trish

Our weekend adventure

Tuesday (pretending to be a Monday) May 31st

It's a Monday, disguised as a Tuesday, wishing it was a Friday! Lol, now I've confused myself. I guess attempting to be funny at 6:30 in the morning before coffee isn't a good idea!  It's back to the grind after a wonderful weekend. It has been over a month since I've written and it has been bothering me. I'm going to make a bigger effort to get back to it and I decided that writing about the weekend would be a good start. 

I'm working two part time jobs now and the office job (that I absolutely love!) is almost forty hours a week at this point. I have to say, after a month of two jobs, this past weekends mini vacation was greatly needed. I decided to let the boys ditch school on Friday with the plan involving being lakeside with my Mishie by lunch. The best laid plans of mice and men and blah, blah, blah! I managed to get five loads of laundry done, all of the dishes, and my room fairly clean before we hit the road at 12:30. Now, in the midst of all that laundry and housework, I also ran out to pay bills, get the mail, and pick up the tent. My sister came by, helped us load the car, and three more stops before we were officially on the road. As we got closer to our exit, the clouds began to roll in. Nic texted Mishie to ask if it was raining at the campsite. The answer was no. Until about three minutes later. The downpour began as we were five minutes out. We didn't even unpack the car when we arrived due to the rain. Mish and I sat under the awning and talked while we watched the rain for several hours. Most would have found this disappointing or enough to call the whole weekend off but for me, those several hours of catching up, trading stories, and just enjoying the moment were as priceless as the entire weekend. As the rain eased off, Kevin began grilling chicken and though it took a bit longer than expected, a delicious dinner was ready when the rain stopped. All ate dinner and the boys raced to the water to squeeze in thirty minutes of swimming and I was able to enjoy a few moments of a gorgeous sky showing it's colors after our small corner of the world had been washed clean. 

There is more to come..... It's just time to don the scrubs, do some dishes, run carpool, sneak in a load of laundry, and head to work! All I can think is, "AHHHHHHH, how I am loving life lately!"

Lie, Steal, Cheat, Drink

What a ride!!  I keep saying I don't have the words...yet they are still there.  I'm just having trouble getting them out some days.  Life has been so FULL lately that I am pretty confident saying I've fallen asleep with a smile more in the last month than in many years.  THAT is the power of love y'all.  What an awesome, amazing, and wondorous feeling.  For someone who dislikes change with a ferocious passion, I've made so many lately I don't even know where to begin.  Making time for the wild1s, that special someone, and my friends has left my heart and soul so full, I can't help but wonder how it isn't just spilling out of me.  Ok, Ok, I'll stop rambling now ;)

The kids are...healthy, happy, and managing.  We've had some struggles with outbursts from one which has made things tough.  It's so hard raising children.  You wonder with every word, decision, and reaction if you are doing the right thing.  Only time will tell.  I look at Erin and try to reassure myself that I got her to the point she is, I must have done something right.  It sure doesn't make things easier in the moment though.  It's dealt with on a deep breath, a quick prayer, and hidden tears.  Thankfully, the last few outbursts I have had some help dealing with.  It's astounding how having a partner in these "battles" can ease a bit of the struggle within myself.  There is a momentary reprieve for me that allows me to regroup and readdress the situation.  I am hoping with the change in schedule I will be able to get him into some sort of sports function this spring that will give him an outlet for his frustration and also a "reward" for good behavior.  I know that my blog followers probably have some very good advice but y'all will have to forgive me for not having the heart to go into the struggles here.

On that note...I made a MAJOR change in work life.  I accepted the dayshift secretary position and began as of last Monday.  I am now working Monday through Friday from 7am to 3pm.  I am NOT a morning person, regardless of what time I wake up, but I am so very happy with the way it went last week that I don't even know how to express it!  My sister says I'm not allowed to say I'm now "normal" since it's me we are talking about.  All I know is that life has been pretty darn wonderful lately and feeling this way has spilled over into every aspect of my life. 

Contentment
Happiness
Love
Blessed

Words that float around within myself.  How I wish I could give them to all those in my life!

I'm off to accomplish the things I have planned for the weekend but I want to leave you with something Erin made me think of. 

"Never lie, steal, cheat, or drink.  But if you must lie, lie in the arms of the one you love.  If you must steal, steal away from bad company.  If you must cheat, cheat death.  And if you must drink, drink in life.  Because life isn't the breaths you take but the moments that take your breath away"

I don't know where it comes from...I don't know how badly I butchered it, but I love the message within.  There is nothing more quieting to the soul than to lie within the arms of the one you love...unless it is knowing that you are loved.  Stealing away from bad company has been slowly accomplished by me over the years and it's like taking rocks out of your pocket one by one until you feel like for once, you're not being weighted down.  I've cheated death, in a roundabout sorta way and it gives one a new outlook.  I plan to drink it in, always, one delicious sip at a time.

Until the next time...Keep it safe, keep it real, and NEVER forget to say "I love you" to those in your life.

~trish

Short and Sweet

I've signed in quite a few times lately...yet didn't have any words.  Y'all stop laughing at me, it's a different kind of speechless.  It's finding yourself staring out a window, the sun warming your face, and the feeling of anticipation inside.  It's standing in the night under a cloudless sky and feeling as though the stars are turned on for you, lost in a hopeless moment of grief for a butterfly that flitted momentarily through your life, and feeling as though you owe it to not only yourself, but also the universe, to let it change something.  Not knowing how to express it is the hardest part.  Feeling as if there are not the proper words in existence to express the thoughts brewing.  One step at a time is also one step closer.  Ringing in the New Year is going to be the beginning, of what is yet to be determined.  More to come after these commercial breaks, brought to you by "The Beauty of a New Day Dawning"

Sunrise Reflection in the pool in Florida Nov 2010

A Season For All Things

I see with the handy-dandy blogger tool...that it has been over a month since I've sat down with my words.  It has been an interesting month, to say the least.  I've been cruising along, wrapped up in my own existence, anguish, and thoughts that I haven't stepped outside of myself to think abroad.  When I took 10 minutes to talk to myself (Yes, outloud thank you!)  I realized I am a pretty damn amazing woman.  I'm strong...  I'm powerful...  I'm a SURVIVOR...   Surviving gets old.  I'm tired of just surviving.  A SURVIVOR  (the difference here is the "all capitals" :p  )  is one who says "Life, I am tired of plodding through you, whining about my issues, wishing things were different, and hoping for a change.I am going to pick myself up, change the directions of my sails, and head off into a different horizon.  Knowing I am in charge of my destiny.  I also know I am not alone in this journey.  I will accept whomever you place in my path.  Embrace them.  Love them.  Let them go or carry them with me. Be it as a beautiful memory or as the strength they need during their tough times.  I have proven the strength within again and again.  Let me show you, Life, that I can do it again."  I am ready to take Life by the tail, swing it 'round and 'round over my head, and let out a whoop of victory.  Now, where to start??  At the beginning is the best bet, isn't it always? 

I realize that I haven't...yet told the Florida story.  I haven't updated many of the wild1s adventures. (There have been quite a few funny stories I have meant to share!!)  Those will come.  The journey I am planning on embarking upon will definitely be fodder for a blog.  Where else can I make you laugh and cry and roll your eyes at me?  Well, besides work, public places, and crazy text messages!!  LOL  I plan to make it a point before this week is over to sit down and write out our Florida adventure.  I have the first day already written out and just need to transfer it over to here.  Things may be out of order for a bit, not just in my blog, but in my personal life as well.  That puts a heaviness upon my heart that with certain breaths seems too hard to bear.  With the intake of the next breath I feel such a peace within that I feel like I am aglow.  My friends, those I hold nearest and dearest, will always be there.  To hold my hand, dry my tears, and celebrate my victories.  I look forward to sharing my adventures over the next few months, along with holding the hands of those I love while they walk their own journey.  It's a new year y'all....I plan to make it mine.  Wanna come with me?

~trish




Though the tide sweeps in and erases all evidence of our existence, the footprints upon my heart will last forever.