Lie, Steal, Cheat, Drink

What a ride!!  I keep saying I don't have the words...yet they are still there.  I'm just having trouble getting them out some days.  Life has been so FULL lately that I am pretty confident saying I've fallen asleep with a smile more in the last month than in many years.  THAT is the power of love y'all.  What an awesome, amazing, and wondorous feeling.  For someone who dislikes change with a ferocious passion, I've made so many lately I don't even know where to begin.  Making time for the wild1s, that special someone, and my friends has left my heart and soul so full, I can't help but wonder how it isn't just spilling out of me.  Ok, Ok, I'll stop rambling now ;)

The kids are...healthy, happy, and managing.  We've had some struggles with outbursts from one which has made things tough.  It's so hard raising children.  You wonder with every word, decision, and reaction if you are doing the right thing.  Only time will tell.  I look at Erin and try to reassure myself that I got her to the point she is, I must have done something right.  It sure doesn't make things easier in the moment though.  It's dealt with on a deep breath, a quick prayer, and hidden tears.  Thankfully, the last few outbursts I have had some help dealing with.  It's astounding how having a partner in these "battles" can ease a bit of the struggle within myself.  There is a momentary reprieve for me that allows me to regroup and readdress the situation.  I am hoping with the change in schedule I will be able to get him into some sort of sports function this spring that will give him an outlet for his frustration and also a "reward" for good behavior.  I know that my blog followers probably have some very good advice but y'all will have to forgive me for not having the heart to go into the struggles here.

On that note...I made a MAJOR change in work life.  I accepted the dayshift secretary position and began as of last Monday.  I am now working Monday through Friday from 7am to 3pm.  I am NOT a morning person, regardless of what time I wake up, but I am so very happy with the way it went last week that I don't even know how to express it!  My sister says I'm not allowed to say I'm now "normal" since it's me we are talking about.  All I know is that life has been pretty darn wonderful lately and feeling this way has spilled over into every aspect of my life. 

Contentment
Happiness
Love
Blessed

Words that float around within myself.  How I wish I could give them to all those in my life!

I'm off to accomplish the things I have planned for the weekend but I want to leave you with something Erin made me think of. 

"Never lie, steal, cheat, or drink.  But if you must lie, lie in the arms of the one you love.  If you must steal, steal away from bad company.  If you must cheat, cheat death.  And if you must drink, drink in life.  Because life isn't the breaths you take but the moments that take your breath away"

I don't know where it comes from...I don't know how badly I butchered it, but I love the message within.  There is nothing more quieting to the soul than to lie within the arms of the one you love...unless it is knowing that you are loved.  Stealing away from bad company has been slowly accomplished by me over the years and it's like taking rocks out of your pocket one by one until you feel like for once, you're not being weighted down.  I've cheated death, in a roundabout sorta way and it gives one a new outlook.  I plan to drink it in, always, one delicious sip at a time.

Until the next time...Keep it safe, keep it real, and NEVER forget to say "I love you" to those in your life.

~trish

Short and Sweet

I've signed in quite a few times lately...yet didn't have any words.  Y'all stop laughing at me, it's a different kind of speechless.  It's finding yourself staring out a window, the sun warming your face, and the feeling of anticipation inside.  It's standing in the night under a cloudless sky and feeling as though the stars are turned on for you, lost in a hopeless moment of grief for a butterfly that flitted momentarily through your life, and feeling as though you owe it to not only yourself, but also the universe, to let it change something.  Not knowing how to express it is the hardest part.  Feeling as if there are not the proper words in existence to express the thoughts brewing.  One step at a time is also one step closer.  Ringing in the New Year is going to be the beginning, of what is yet to be determined.  More to come after these commercial breaks, brought to you by "The Beauty of a New Day Dawning"

Sunrise Reflection in the pool in Florida Nov 2010

A Season For All Things

I see with the handy-dandy blogger tool...that it has been over a month since I've sat down with my words.  It has been an interesting month, to say the least.  I've been cruising along, wrapped up in my own existence, anguish, and thoughts that I haven't stepped outside of myself to think abroad.  When I took 10 minutes to talk to myself (Yes, outloud thank you!)  I realized I am a pretty damn amazing woman.  I'm strong...  I'm powerful...  I'm a SURVIVOR...   Surviving gets old.  I'm tired of just surviving.  A SURVIVOR  (the difference here is the "all capitals" :p  )  is one who says "Life, I am tired of plodding through you, whining about my issues, wishing things were different, and hoping for a change.I am going to pick myself up, change the directions of my sails, and head off into a different horizon.  Knowing I am in charge of my destiny.  I also know I am not alone in this journey.  I will accept whomever you place in my path.  Embrace them.  Love them.  Let them go or carry them with me. Be it as a beautiful memory or as the strength they need during their tough times.  I have proven the strength within again and again.  Let me show you, Life, that I can do it again."  I am ready to take Life by the tail, swing it 'round and 'round over my head, and let out a whoop of victory.  Now, where to start??  At the beginning is the best bet, isn't it always? 

I realize that I haven't...yet told the Florida story.  I haven't updated many of the wild1s adventures. (There have been quite a few funny stories I have meant to share!!)  Those will come.  The journey I am planning on embarking upon will definitely be fodder for a blog.  Where else can I make you laugh and cry and roll your eyes at me?  Well, besides work, public places, and crazy text messages!!  LOL  I plan to make it a point before this week is over to sit down and write out our Florida adventure.  I have the first day already written out and just need to transfer it over to here.  Things may be out of order for a bit, not just in my blog, but in my personal life as well.  That puts a heaviness upon my heart that with certain breaths seems too hard to bear.  With the intake of the next breath I feel such a peace within that I feel like I am aglow.  My friends, those I hold nearest and dearest, will always be there.  To hold my hand, dry my tears, and celebrate my victories.  I look forward to sharing my adventures over the next few months, along with holding the hands of those I love while they walk their own journey.  It's a new year y'all....I plan to make it mine.  Wanna come with me?

~trish




Though the tide sweeps in and erases all evidence of our existence, the footprints upon my heart will last forever.



Just a few words

Haven't had much to say lately...though I wanted to share a dinner time conversation the other night.  I was a "lazy" Momma and made fish fillets, mac n cheese, and fries for dinner on Tuesday night.  Erin, Nic, and I are sitting at the table.  I'd had one of "those" days where I just couldn't seem to get it together.  I was struggling so hard to keep myself composed til I could escape to the shower.  The shower can be such a comfort.  Solitude, hot water, and one can cry without anyone ever knowing you did.  I've tried to drown myself a few times in there but with a stand up shower stall, it takes ALOT of water!  (just kidding!)  I digress, as usual....  Anyhow, Erin begins to interrogate Nic about kissing a girl.  One girl in particular. He kept insisting that he hadn't kissed her.  He tried to say he didn't like her but AJ quickly piped up that "Yes he does!  She has a boyfriend though!"  Nic blushed about 6 shades of red with that comment which, of course, made him even more adorable!  Erin asks him if he knows how to kiss.  He won't answer....  She offers to teach him.  She decides to demonstrate with her fish fillet.  She breaks it in half and makes "lips" out of the pieces.  She explains to him to start with soft and gentle lip to lip action.  At this point, AJ is fascinated from the living room (Squirt refused to join us at the table) and Nic is sitting there open mouthed and staring.  I, on the other hand, am trying desperately not to laugh out loud.  She explains to him that once he has that down pat, if he is interested at that point, he should stick his tongue out on the next lip to lip contact.  She demonstrates and makes a face from the fish taste.  At this point, I'm losing it, AJ is darn near falling off the couch in order to not miss the action, and Nic is shaking his head....yet still fascinated.  Erin licks her lips, puts the fish down, and says, "If it tastes anything like this fish, DON'T go any further, come straight home, and tell Momma.  It should NEVER, EVER taste like fish!"  This was the point where I lost it.  Nic turned another 4 shades of red and AJ came to join us at the table.  So yeah, for those who have not had the privilege of joining us at our table, know that it is always entertaining, you never know where the conversation may go, and when Erin will shout, "That's what SHE said!"

On another note...I made it to Blue Flame Thursday and added to my ink.  I think the album name on Facebook is about as accurate as it gets.  It's My body, My canvas, My art.  It's a way to make my thoughts well known, express my feelings, and make something beautiful out of an otherwise normal foot, finger, arm, leg, neck...wherever I happen to choose.  I had "one step closer" tattooed on my foot.  To me it is very symbolic.  One step closer to life, love, death, tomorrow, whatever happens to fit the moment.  After much thought, I think I'm going to get the other foot done soon with another very "fitting" quote.  For a foot at least!

 I also had a broken heart ink'd on my ring finger.  Now, I can attempt to explain it til I'm blue in the face.  Some get it, others don't.  That is OK.  I know what it means to ME.  Since I have to look at it, since I have it permanently, then all that matters is how I feel about it.  It can be filled in one day or covered by a ring.  One day, someone will hopefully come along and make it whole again.  The process has already begun.  Cautiously, slowly, and one day at a time.  That is all I have to say about that (in my best Forrest Gump voice!)

I begin the preparations...for our Florida trip soon.  I've been reading, researching, and trying to make the trip as enjoyable (and as stress free for ME) as possible!  I'm part excited, part nervous, and part dreading it. I can't wait to see everyone, be off to actually enjoy Thanksgiving for the first time in 6 years on the ACTUAL day, and spend some down time with my Dad, Pam, Savanna, and the wild1s.  I have to find some suitcases to borrow as I really don't want to spend the money on luggage that more than likely will not be used again.

Like I started out with...I don't have much to say.  Well, I have a million and two things I WANT to say, just not sure how to get the words down.  I have always known what amazing friends I have but just in case I begin to forget, they swoop in and remind me.  I love you all!  Remember, one day at a time cause these moments are what make up your life....

~trish

Finally, some happy tears....

Most know...the very rough week I've had.  I think it would be cathartic to write out what has been going through my mind, given the situation.  Truth is, I can't make anyone understand how I feel.  Yes, most, if not all, have experienced heartache.  I'm not ready yet to write it out.  Even when I am, it probably won't get posted.  I just know that I have been ABSOLUTELY blessed with the best friends.  I love all of them, my family, and most of all my children.  The unfortunate part of the entire situation is how much my boys are grieving over what happened.  They don't know details, they only know that once again, someone they had grown to like very much has left.  In their eyes at least.  We persevere.  We get up.  We begin again.  I'm NOT ready to begin again, or even get up, right now.  It will happen....y'all just better look out for when that time comes.

My purpose in blogging today...is to share with the world (OK, just my followers, yet that IS my world) the most amazing email I have ever received.  The utter despair on Nic's face when he caught me sobbing again almost broke the pieces of my heart that are left.  I had to reassure him these were HAPPY tears.  Tears that couldn't be restrained.  The following will probably make y'all cry too....I'm willing to share my Kleenex, though I'm still in need so pass em back when you're done.....

~trish

My mom has and always will be the most significant person in my life. Just like Lennie, in Of Mice and Men, I’m clueless to the world. Just like, George does for Lennie, in Of Mice and Men, my mom guides me in the right directions. My mom has always been there for me, through the good times and the bad. She’s always protected me, even if it meant sacrificing things of her own. I want to be just like her someday.

My mom married at a young age to, what appeared to be, a kind hearted man. As the relationship progressed, he became more and more abusive. After a long and hard abusive relationship, my mom gained the courage to take my brothers and I and leave. Just like George took Lennie from the town of Weed for his protection, my mom has always cared about my safety. She has showed this not only in the situation above but in many other ways.

Just like my mom stuck with me through that horrible, abusive, relationship with my step father, she’s stuck with me through everything. I specifically remember the time my doctor, unknowingly at the time, falsely, told me I had a brain tumor. I cried and cried. My mom held me for the longest time and she cried too. That was just the beginning of the horrible weeks that followed. My mom never left my side. She missed so much work, just to stay with me. We made it through test after test, her and I. There’s no way I would’ve been able to get through that period of time, on my own. Even though Of Mice and Men doesn’t go into much detail about Lennie losing his aunt, his only guardian... I can imagine it was hard for him, even at a young age. George has been with Lennie ever since his aunt died. He stuck with him through everything that followed and that’s what my mom did; she stuck with me through it all.

My mom is my role model; I’ve looked up to her for as long as I can remember. How she’s overcome the things she has, I’ll never know. The most baffling thing of all, she’s the strongest person I’ve ever met. Someday, I want to be just like her. I want to overcome obstacles that seem impossible and still come out strong.         

In conclusion, I would be nowhere close to who I am today without the help of my mom. My mom has always been by my side, never leaving it for a second. She’s sacrificed so much for my safety, success and happiness. She’s worked hard for me, cried with me and celebrated with me. She’s my George and I’m her Lennie. She’s everything I hope to be in the future. I don’t know how I’ll make it but I know that however difficult it will be, she’ll be there to push me along. 

(WRITTEN BY: ERIN NICOLE GILLIAM)

If It Could, It Would

So I find myself...home unexpectedly after sleeping Saturday night and most of Sunday.  I did all the sleeping, for the most part, so that I could work my 12 hour shift.  I'm going to choose not to discuss the other reasoning for sleeping and justify it with needing it for the week I am facing.  Last week was one of those where if it could, it would.  It ended with a "bang," pretty much literally.  Monday night was my staff meeting at work that I woke up early to attend.  I have to say, all things considered, it was very productive.  Having placed a ham in the Crockpot that morning before I went to bed, it was so nice to come home around 7 to the wonderful scent of dinner already done.  Instant mashed potatoes (the best and so simple!), baked pineapple, and yeast rolls and I was ready for my "Mother of the Year" award.  (hahahaha, I can hear my kids snorting over THAT one!)  Dishes done, laundry going, lunch for myself made, and off to work I went.

Tuesday was the only day...that week to sleep in and of course, I couldn't sleep.  Such is life....for me at least.  It was also one of those nights where I struggled to get out of the house on time.  No particular reason, just happens that way sometimes.  I was in a hurry to clock in before I was counted as late.  I swiped at the time clock, noticing it was 2244.  As it ALWAYS goes, the swipe didn't take and I got that annoying error beep.  Wait a few seconds for it to reset itself, and as it HAS to happen, the clock changed to 2245 as I successfully swiped.  Turn, badge myself into the back of the Chest Pain Unit, almost run over the guy rolling out the trash, wonder what that horrible smell is, and code myself into the lounge....  Only to find it full of thick, HORRIBLE smelling smoke pouring from the microwave and sparks coming from the wall outlet.  Panicked, I head towards it, thinking, "Electrical fire, unplug the source!"  Get halfway there, realize the microwave is not even on, the smoke is so thick I can't see the cabinets, I go out the door into the unit.  Head to the back nurses station saying, "Pull the fire alarm, the lounge is on fire....PULL THE FIRE ALARM!"  Because it is ME saying it, they go to LOOK first, then come back saying, "Yeah, we have to pull the fire alarm!"  So yeah, fire in the lounge, only me who finds it, only me that they all think is kidding, only me that has to talk to the fire chief to explain what happened!  Perk....Some very good looking fire fighters spent some time in our unit and most of us were ogling.  Gotta love a man in uniform....

Wednesday brought...the semi-formal dinner.  The social committee held the second annual Children's Emergency Dept Recognition Dinner and I really enjoyed it!  Getting up early (again!) really sucked but the occasion was worth it.  Erin spent an hour curling my hair and even did my makeup.  I absolutely love that girl!  (MOST of the time)  Wearing a dress, heels, curls, and well done makeup is a wonderful way to feel so feminine :)  Hanging with friends, all dressed up as well, seeing some of them get silly with a few drinks, dancing, wonderful food, and great speeches by some of our finest doctors made for a wonderful reminder of why I have been with  the CED for almost 6 years now.

Thursday was a mix...of good and sad.  Richard left for CT that day and we managed to have a few hours together between the time I got off work and he headed out for the 13 hour (give or take) drive up there.  Sigh, I don't like CT right now....After getting home around 1, I of course could not go right to sleep.  I finally managed to grab a few hours before the kids woke me up around 7:30.  Back to sleep by midnight and also back on a "normal" schedule.  It is VERY hard to bounce back and forth from "nights" to "days" but I have to in order to function on the weekends.

Friday saw me...getting back into the swing of going to the gym.  Michael tortured me for an hour.  I told him going with him is the best because he pushes me beyond what I think I can do, works muscles that are in need, and allows me someone to call names and talk junk to.  Thankfully, he is a good sport about it and I think he enjoys torturing me as much as I enjoy calling him names.  A nap on the couch before the kids got home from school helped my aching muscles and then it was off to pick up Maryann and drop the boys off with their grandma.  The girls treated me to dinner at the Waffle House, which involved wearing crazy hats and LOTS of laughter.  We have so much fun when we go out it is a wonder we managed to get any food in between talking and laughing.  Maryann insisted on the jukebox and unfortunately, it was some weird Waffle House song that Erin knew the words and sang along with!  I brought the girls home, threw some jeans on, fixed the hat hair, and headed to my favorite Draft House for a few hours.  One of their specials for the night was Aviators and it was dark and strong.  Yum!  As my life goes, a fight broke out on the patio, beer bottles flying, egos bruised, and some sent home.  Free entertainment...

Me, though you can't completely see the hat!

Maryann and Erin looking ADORABLE as always!

Saturday morning...was Erin's first day training at work as a waitress.  She was very excited, still seems to be after two days, and will start working a few days during the week as well.  (Read as no sleep for Momma!)  I grabbed a few more hours of sleep and then Maryann and I went to help prepare for a vigil I am attending in November.  Check my Facebook page for more information!!  Protecting our daughters is VERY important and I am proud to say that I have had Erin vaccinated against the HPV virus.  There are still no side effects from getting the vaccine but EARLY vaccination is the key.  We must vaccinate our daughters BEFORE they become sexually active.  Once they are, they may have already been exposed to HPV.  HPV is said to be the leading cause of  most cervical cancers.  I would LOVE to see some familiar faces on the 6th as we celebrate and honor those who have lost their lives and educate others about the importance of yearly pap smears and vaccinations.

Sunday...Ahhh, Sunday...started off with driving Erin to work.  Nothing unusual, this happens almost every Saturday and Sunday morning.  I grab my keys, phone, smokes, and a drink and head to the car.  Sometimes I wear pajamas, sometimes I even wear shoes, and other times, I get home and realize I didn't even take my purse.  This particular morning, I was in pajamas, no shoes, hair not brushed, but I DID take my purse.  What happens, blue lights in the rear-view.  I KNOW I wasn't speeding....I knew he was behind me!  So, in the dawn, trying to find somewhere safe to pull over, I pull onto a side road.  Roll my window down and then Erin starts cracking jokes.  NOT funny ones at that!  He comes up to ask me if I was aware that my tag lights were out.  Of course I didn't know, else I would have fixed them so as not to get pulled over at 6:45 in the morning with no shoes on.  He asks to see my driver's license and says he will be right back.  Erin begins again with the not funny jokes.  He comes back, gives me a warning ticket, and then, as only she can do, leans around me and says, "Can you write me a note for being late to work?"  Silence, I assume while he waits for her to say, "Just Kidding!"  He realizes she is serious and says, "No, sorry.  I can't do that."  He tells us to have a nice day and we are off.  Only a few minutes late but there safely.  I come home to sleep all day until time to pick her up from work.  Drive back to Raleigh, drive back home, shower, start some laundry, and drive to Knightdale to pick up the boys and drop Maryann off. I thought Maryann had her things in the trunk so I popped it from inside when we got there.  Make all the exchanges of children and head back out on the road.  I heard something, remembered I had popped the trunk, so knowing I will be sitting at the light for a few minutes, I put it in park and hop out (leaving the car door open) to make sure it is shut.  Come back to the car, lean down to pick something up off the ground thinking I dropped it, and slam my head into the edge of the door.  Stars explode, the world spins, and I cannot hear.  Erin keeps saying, "Are you OK?  Are you going to pass out?  OMG Momma, there is a DENT in your head.  Let me drive!  You are completely white.  Don't drive.  Pull over."  So maybe she didn't say all of that at once.  I don't remember it very clearly.  I did feel really out of sorts and was still seeing stars so as soon as I made the light, I pulled over and let her drive.  Once home, the dizziness kicked in upon getting out of the car.  The queasiness kicked in shortly thereafter.  I left for work an hour after we got home and probably shouldn't have.  The ringing in my ears was in full force by the time I arrived at work and I was feeling very disoriented.  I managed a few hours of my shift before I couldn't do it anymore.  A head CT confirmed what I was already pretty confident of.  I have a VERY hard head.  No bleed or fracture.  Just a concussion.  I was home a bit before 1am and as usual, can't sleep.  The Zofran is barely controlling the nausea and the Motrin has the pain at a minimum.  Unfortunately, the headache is in full swing before I can take another dose.  I read the discharge instructions once I was home.  I am supposed to be with a responsible adult for 24 hours following a head injury.  I don't know any "responsible adults!!"  LOL

So there you have it...my week, in novel form, full of excitement, ups, downs, fire fighters, flying beer bottles, and head injuries.  I can only say...."ONLY ME!"  This week promises to be off as well.  I'm not sure how or if I will manage to work tonight (Monday) nor how this will affect my upcoming scheduled time off.  Erin will work at least two days this week which means picking her up from school at 2:20, taking her to work, picking her up at 9, bringing her home, and then heading to work myself.  Oh yeah, I also have to figure out how to fix the tag lights on the car to prevent another delay in my travels.  I can say I am soooo looking forward to Mishie's Halloween Party on Saturday.  I will use that to get me through this week.  It is time to get the kids off to school, dose myself up with Motrin again, and head off into the wonderful world of sleep.  I don't have any parting words other than.........  Be good or be good AT it

~trish

An OLD find

I said before...that I had found some really good posts from my blogs on MySpace.  This one hit home more than any others.  A simple yet breathtaking reminder of what I can only describe as "simplicity."  It's a reminder that it is the little things that you remember later.  I clearly remember that day.  Painted like strokes of a brush.  AJ's cold fingers when he brought me that flower.  How we were both enthralled with the fact that he found such a beauty when the rest of the Earth had pulled within, in anticipation of winter.  How Nic spent that day racing around the yard with energy I envied.  How I had procrastinated cleaning the kitchen that day yet when Erin began to do it, it no longer seemed a chore.  Rather an opportunity to spend time with her.  I look forward to more memories, a lifetime of them to come.


Enjoy


~trish


Sunday, November 16, 2008

AJ brought me a flower today.  A pure reminder of beauty, nature, love.  A simple thing.  Something I had no part in.  Something that grew regardless of me.  A reminder that after the rain, wonderous things happen.  After the storms  the sun shone strong, bright, beautiful upon a sky of clouds.  The wind blew away the reminders of a night of tension.  The air was warm and caressing upon my skin.  A reminder that there is warmth to come.

Erin cleaned the kitchen.  Washed away the reminders of a mess, a meal, a feeding of not only the body, but the mind and soul.  The counters are wiped clean.  A clean slate upon which to begin another mess.  To begin cooking a new meal, a new opportunity to feed the body, mind, and soul.  A reminder that what once was messy can be clean again.  Though the memory will always linger.  The enjoyment of making the mess.  The simple act of cleaning it and beginning anew.  Sometimes you only need someone to start the process so that you can join them in the cleansing.

Nicholas runs out the door.  The wind tossing his hair all around.  The cold pinkening his cheeks.  Yet the smile that seems to put the sun to shame as he races here and there.  Chasing what seems to me, the essence of childhood.  A reminder that it is only a short time before the world catches up and changes the outlook.  I watch the joyful abandon.  The boundless energy.  The pure excitement at the things that we overlook in the constant race of life.

Take a moment.  Just one.  Look.  Feel.  Listen.  Touch.


Read more:http://www.myspace.com/mom2threewild1s/blog?page=2#ixzz12QjVpw9i