It has been awhile... since I have posted anything.  I figured this morning I would take the time to get some words down.  I still write on occasion.  It isn't blog material though.  Mostly just thoughts, random, scattered.  Does that surprise anyone?  It has been a very rough few weeks.  If it's true that you get stronger through your experiences, these hurricanes, earthquakes, and possible tornadoes don't wanna mess with me.  I've learned a few things recently....

Tough Love... is the most heartbreaking thing in the world.  You give them wings, teach them, nurture them, make mistakes, learn from your mistakes, set examples through those mistakes, and still, when they fly...  It is a devestation to the heart and soul that nothing else can touch.  There isn't much you can do but pray, hard, long, and often.  Then stalk your family for updates, make unanswered phone calls, cry deep in the night, and hope that one day, it will get easier.  That is all I can say about that...

Poker...  On a lighter note, turns out I love the game.  I am not horrible at it, however, I know I have a lot to learn.  I enjoy unwinding, learning the terms, messing up the terms to annoy the die-hards, and yelling at the avatars who join the games.  I can't join the real games now that school has started back so my only escape into a game has been online.  Gotta love anonymity!

School, Birthdays, and Fall... Are all ahead!  Sitting in the car at the crack of dawn this morning, heater on, window open, hot cup of coffee in hand, and a bit of one on one with Nic made the desire for leaves of fire, crisp and cool weather, and the enticement of pumpkin latte's.  Soon....  My birthday approaches quickly, Nic's 13th birthday isn't far behind, and then my baby turns 10.  I feel so damn old!  Party time y'all!! 

I don't think... I've said much, but it is a start.  It has been two days of learning new routines, struggling hard to find a balance between working "normal" hours, kids, homework, dinner, and housework but I know, this too shall pass.  We'll get there, we always have, and we'll be better for all the struggles we've overcome than had things been simple.  Who needs simple?  (Wait.... I NEED SIMPLE?!?!? LOL  OK, not simple, just smooth!)

~trish

Our weekend adventure

Tuesday (pretending to be a Monday) May 31st

It's a Monday, disguised as a Tuesday, wishing it was a Friday! Lol, now I've confused myself. I guess attempting to be funny at 6:30 in the morning before coffee isn't a good idea!  It's back to the grind after a wonderful weekend. It has been over a month since I've written and it has been bothering me. I'm going to make a bigger effort to get back to it and I decided that writing about the weekend would be a good start. 

I'm working two part time jobs now and the office job (that I absolutely love!) is almost forty hours a week at this point. I have to say, after a month of two jobs, this past weekends mini vacation was greatly needed. I decided to let the boys ditch school on Friday with the plan involving being lakeside with my Mishie by lunch. The best laid plans of mice and men and blah, blah, blah! I managed to get five loads of laundry done, all of the dishes, and my room fairly clean before we hit the road at 12:30. Now, in the midst of all that laundry and housework, I also ran out to pay bills, get the mail, and pick up the tent. My sister came by, helped us load the car, and three more stops before we were officially on the road. As we got closer to our exit, the clouds began to roll in. Nic texted Mishie to ask if it was raining at the campsite. The answer was no. Until about three minutes later. The downpour began as we were five minutes out. We didn't even unpack the car when we arrived due to the rain. Mish and I sat under the awning and talked while we watched the rain for several hours. Most would have found this disappointing or enough to call the whole weekend off but for me, those several hours of catching up, trading stories, and just enjoying the moment were as priceless as the entire weekend. As the rain eased off, Kevin began grilling chicken and though it took a bit longer than expected, a delicious dinner was ready when the rain stopped. All ate dinner and the boys raced to the water to squeeze in thirty minutes of swimming and I was able to enjoy a few moments of a gorgeous sky showing it's colors after our small corner of the world had been washed clean. 

There is more to come..... It's just time to don the scrubs, do some dishes, run carpool, sneak in a load of laundry, and head to work! All I can think is, "AHHHHHHH, how I am loving life lately!"

Lie, Steal, Cheat, Drink

What a ride!!  I keep saying I don't have the words...yet they are still there.  I'm just having trouble getting them out some days.  Life has been so FULL lately that I am pretty confident saying I've fallen asleep with a smile more in the last month than in many years.  THAT is the power of love y'all.  What an awesome, amazing, and wondorous feeling.  For someone who dislikes change with a ferocious passion, I've made so many lately I don't even know where to begin.  Making time for the wild1s, that special someone, and my friends has left my heart and soul so full, I can't help but wonder how it isn't just spilling out of me.  Ok, Ok, I'll stop rambling now ;)

The kids are...healthy, happy, and managing.  We've had some struggles with outbursts from one which has made things tough.  It's so hard raising children.  You wonder with every word, decision, and reaction if you are doing the right thing.  Only time will tell.  I look at Erin and try to reassure myself that I got her to the point she is, I must have done something right.  It sure doesn't make things easier in the moment though.  It's dealt with on a deep breath, a quick prayer, and hidden tears.  Thankfully, the last few outbursts I have had some help dealing with.  It's astounding how having a partner in these "battles" can ease a bit of the struggle within myself.  There is a momentary reprieve for me that allows me to regroup and readdress the situation.  I am hoping with the change in schedule I will be able to get him into some sort of sports function this spring that will give him an outlet for his frustration and also a "reward" for good behavior.  I know that my blog followers probably have some very good advice but y'all will have to forgive me for not having the heart to go into the struggles here.

On that note...I made a MAJOR change in work life.  I accepted the dayshift secretary position and began as of last Monday.  I am now working Monday through Friday from 7am to 3pm.  I am NOT a morning person, regardless of what time I wake up, but I am so very happy with the way it went last week that I don't even know how to express it!  My sister says I'm not allowed to say I'm now "normal" since it's me we are talking about.  All I know is that life has been pretty darn wonderful lately and feeling this way has spilled over into every aspect of my life. 

Contentment
Happiness
Love
Blessed

Words that float around within myself.  How I wish I could give them to all those in my life!

I'm off to accomplish the things I have planned for the weekend but I want to leave you with something Erin made me think of. 

"Never lie, steal, cheat, or drink.  But if you must lie, lie in the arms of the one you love.  If you must steal, steal away from bad company.  If you must cheat, cheat death.  And if you must drink, drink in life.  Because life isn't the breaths you take but the moments that take your breath away"

I don't know where it comes from...I don't know how badly I butchered it, but I love the message within.  There is nothing more quieting to the soul than to lie within the arms of the one you love...unless it is knowing that you are loved.  Stealing away from bad company has been slowly accomplished by me over the years and it's like taking rocks out of your pocket one by one until you feel like for once, you're not being weighted down.  I've cheated death, in a roundabout sorta way and it gives one a new outlook.  I plan to drink it in, always, one delicious sip at a time.

Until the next time...Keep it safe, keep it real, and NEVER forget to say "I love you" to those in your life.

~trish

Short and Sweet

I've signed in quite a few times lately...yet didn't have any words.  Y'all stop laughing at me, it's a different kind of speechless.  It's finding yourself staring out a window, the sun warming your face, and the feeling of anticipation inside.  It's standing in the night under a cloudless sky and feeling as though the stars are turned on for you, lost in a hopeless moment of grief for a butterfly that flitted momentarily through your life, and feeling as though you owe it to not only yourself, but also the universe, to let it change something.  Not knowing how to express it is the hardest part.  Feeling as if there are not the proper words in existence to express the thoughts brewing.  One step at a time is also one step closer.  Ringing in the New Year is going to be the beginning, of what is yet to be determined.  More to come after these commercial breaks, brought to you by "The Beauty of a New Day Dawning"

Sunrise Reflection in the pool in Florida Nov 2010

A Season For All Things

I see with the handy-dandy blogger tool...that it has been over a month since I've sat down with my words.  It has been an interesting month, to say the least.  I've been cruising along, wrapped up in my own existence, anguish, and thoughts that I haven't stepped outside of myself to think abroad.  When I took 10 minutes to talk to myself (Yes, outloud thank you!)  I realized I am a pretty damn amazing woman.  I'm strong...  I'm powerful...  I'm a SURVIVOR...   Surviving gets old.  I'm tired of just surviving.  A SURVIVOR  (the difference here is the "all capitals" :p  )  is one who says "Life, I am tired of plodding through you, whining about my issues, wishing things were different, and hoping for a change.I am going to pick myself up, change the directions of my sails, and head off into a different horizon.  Knowing I am in charge of my destiny.  I also know I am not alone in this journey.  I will accept whomever you place in my path.  Embrace them.  Love them.  Let them go or carry them with me. Be it as a beautiful memory or as the strength they need during their tough times.  I have proven the strength within again and again.  Let me show you, Life, that I can do it again."  I am ready to take Life by the tail, swing it 'round and 'round over my head, and let out a whoop of victory.  Now, where to start??  At the beginning is the best bet, isn't it always? 

I realize that I haven't...yet told the Florida story.  I haven't updated many of the wild1s adventures. (There have been quite a few funny stories I have meant to share!!)  Those will come.  The journey I am planning on embarking upon will definitely be fodder for a blog.  Where else can I make you laugh and cry and roll your eyes at me?  Well, besides work, public places, and crazy text messages!!  LOL  I plan to make it a point before this week is over to sit down and write out our Florida adventure.  I have the first day already written out and just need to transfer it over to here.  Things may be out of order for a bit, not just in my blog, but in my personal life as well.  That puts a heaviness upon my heart that with certain breaths seems too hard to bear.  With the intake of the next breath I feel such a peace within that I feel like I am aglow.  My friends, those I hold nearest and dearest, will always be there.  To hold my hand, dry my tears, and celebrate my victories.  I look forward to sharing my adventures over the next few months, along with holding the hands of those I love while they walk their own journey.  It's a new year y'all....I plan to make it mine.  Wanna come with me?

~trish




Though the tide sweeps in and erases all evidence of our existence, the footprints upon my heart will last forever.



Just a few words

Haven't had much to say lately...though I wanted to share a dinner time conversation the other night.  I was a "lazy" Momma and made fish fillets, mac n cheese, and fries for dinner on Tuesday night.  Erin, Nic, and I are sitting at the table.  I'd had one of "those" days where I just couldn't seem to get it together.  I was struggling so hard to keep myself composed til I could escape to the shower.  The shower can be such a comfort.  Solitude, hot water, and one can cry without anyone ever knowing you did.  I've tried to drown myself a few times in there but with a stand up shower stall, it takes ALOT of water!  (just kidding!)  I digress, as usual....  Anyhow, Erin begins to interrogate Nic about kissing a girl.  One girl in particular. He kept insisting that he hadn't kissed her.  He tried to say he didn't like her but AJ quickly piped up that "Yes he does!  She has a boyfriend though!"  Nic blushed about 6 shades of red with that comment which, of course, made him even more adorable!  Erin asks him if he knows how to kiss.  He won't answer....  She offers to teach him.  She decides to demonstrate with her fish fillet.  She breaks it in half and makes "lips" out of the pieces.  She explains to him to start with soft and gentle lip to lip action.  At this point, AJ is fascinated from the living room (Squirt refused to join us at the table) and Nic is sitting there open mouthed and staring.  I, on the other hand, am trying desperately not to laugh out loud.  She explains to him that once he has that down pat, if he is interested at that point, he should stick his tongue out on the next lip to lip contact.  She demonstrates and makes a face from the fish taste.  At this point, I'm losing it, AJ is darn near falling off the couch in order to not miss the action, and Nic is shaking his head....yet still fascinated.  Erin licks her lips, puts the fish down, and says, "If it tastes anything like this fish, DON'T go any further, come straight home, and tell Momma.  It should NEVER, EVER taste like fish!"  This was the point where I lost it.  Nic turned another 4 shades of red and AJ came to join us at the table.  So yeah, for those who have not had the privilege of joining us at our table, know that it is always entertaining, you never know where the conversation may go, and when Erin will shout, "That's what SHE said!"

On another note...I made it to Blue Flame Thursday and added to my ink.  I think the album name on Facebook is about as accurate as it gets.  It's My body, My canvas, My art.  It's a way to make my thoughts well known, express my feelings, and make something beautiful out of an otherwise normal foot, finger, arm, leg, neck...wherever I happen to choose.  I had "one step closer" tattooed on my foot.  To me it is very symbolic.  One step closer to life, love, death, tomorrow, whatever happens to fit the moment.  After much thought, I think I'm going to get the other foot done soon with another very "fitting" quote.  For a foot at least!

 I also had a broken heart ink'd on my ring finger.  Now, I can attempt to explain it til I'm blue in the face.  Some get it, others don't.  That is OK.  I know what it means to ME.  Since I have to look at it, since I have it permanently, then all that matters is how I feel about it.  It can be filled in one day or covered by a ring.  One day, someone will hopefully come along and make it whole again.  The process has already begun.  Cautiously, slowly, and one day at a time.  That is all I have to say about that (in my best Forrest Gump voice!)

I begin the preparations...for our Florida trip soon.  I've been reading, researching, and trying to make the trip as enjoyable (and as stress free for ME) as possible!  I'm part excited, part nervous, and part dreading it. I can't wait to see everyone, be off to actually enjoy Thanksgiving for the first time in 6 years on the ACTUAL day, and spend some down time with my Dad, Pam, Savanna, and the wild1s.  I have to find some suitcases to borrow as I really don't want to spend the money on luggage that more than likely will not be used again.

Like I started out with...I don't have much to say.  Well, I have a million and two things I WANT to say, just not sure how to get the words down.  I have always known what amazing friends I have but just in case I begin to forget, they swoop in and remind me.  I love you all!  Remember, one day at a time cause these moments are what make up your life....

~trish

Finally, some happy tears....

Most know...the very rough week I've had.  I think it would be cathartic to write out what has been going through my mind, given the situation.  Truth is, I can't make anyone understand how I feel.  Yes, most, if not all, have experienced heartache.  I'm not ready yet to write it out.  Even when I am, it probably won't get posted.  I just know that I have been ABSOLUTELY blessed with the best friends.  I love all of them, my family, and most of all my children.  The unfortunate part of the entire situation is how much my boys are grieving over what happened.  They don't know details, they only know that once again, someone they had grown to like very much has left.  In their eyes at least.  We persevere.  We get up.  We begin again.  I'm NOT ready to begin again, or even get up, right now.  It will happen....y'all just better look out for when that time comes.

My purpose in blogging today...is to share with the world (OK, just my followers, yet that IS my world) the most amazing email I have ever received.  The utter despair on Nic's face when he caught me sobbing again almost broke the pieces of my heart that are left.  I had to reassure him these were HAPPY tears.  Tears that couldn't be restrained.  The following will probably make y'all cry too....I'm willing to share my Kleenex, though I'm still in need so pass em back when you're done.....

~trish

My mom has and always will be the most significant person in my life. Just like Lennie, in Of Mice and Men, I’m clueless to the world. Just like, George does for Lennie, in Of Mice and Men, my mom guides me in the right directions. My mom has always been there for me, through the good times and the bad. She’s always protected me, even if it meant sacrificing things of her own. I want to be just like her someday.

My mom married at a young age to, what appeared to be, a kind hearted man. As the relationship progressed, he became more and more abusive. After a long and hard abusive relationship, my mom gained the courage to take my brothers and I and leave. Just like George took Lennie from the town of Weed for his protection, my mom has always cared about my safety. She has showed this not only in the situation above but in many other ways.

Just like my mom stuck with me through that horrible, abusive, relationship with my step father, she’s stuck with me through everything. I specifically remember the time my doctor, unknowingly at the time, falsely, told me I had a brain tumor. I cried and cried. My mom held me for the longest time and she cried too. That was just the beginning of the horrible weeks that followed. My mom never left my side. She missed so much work, just to stay with me. We made it through test after test, her and I. There’s no way I would’ve been able to get through that period of time, on my own. Even though Of Mice and Men doesn’t go into much detail about Lennie losing his aunt, his only guardian... I can imagine it was hard for him, even at a young age. George has been with Lennie ever since his aunt died. He stuck with him through everything that followed and that’s what my mom did; she stuck with me through it all.

My mom is my role model; I’ve looked up to her for as long as I can remember. How she’s overcome the things she has, I’ll never know. The most baffling thing of all, she’s the strongest person I’ve ever met. Someday, I want to be just like her. I want to overcome obstacles that seem impossible and still come out strong.         

In conclusion, I would be nowhere close to who I am today without the help of my mom. My mom has always been by my side, never leaving it for a second. She’s sacrificed so much for my safety, success and happiness. She’s worked hard for me, cried with me and celebrated with me. She’s my George and I’m her Lennie. She’s everything I hope to be in the future. I don’t know how I’ll make it but I know that however difficult it will be, she’ll be there to push me along. 

(WRITTEN BY: ERIN NICOLE GILLIAM)