Thursday, September 20, 2012

The Storm



I took a nap and awoke to a strange sound. I lay there half asleep wondering what had woken me. I heard it again... A scraping sound. I fell asleep with the balcony door open, as always. I sat up wondering why it was so dark and heard the ominous sounds of thunder. A rolling sound that grew louder before the boom. A streak of lightening lights the sky as I walk through the door and up to the railing. A gust of wind rakes the hair from my face as I hear the scrape again, right next to me. It's the chairs being blown backwards by the wind. I stack them and look out to the ocean again. People are racing to close canopies, grab chairs, grab towels and reluctant children, and the thunder shakes the sky once more. As I watch the people below running to take cover a thought creeps in. It's always been my dream to watch a hurricane come in. This is nothing close to a hurricane but I'm here, the ocean is angry, and I believe I am too. I grab the first jacket I can find, which happened to be my Momma's jacket, my camera, and the room key. I slip shorts on over my bathing suit, zip the hoodie halfway and I'm out the door before reason can take over. I'm not sure if my feet actually touched a single step during the five flights of stairs down. Of course I'm barefoot as there is no other way to be when you plan to stand in the fury and watch the waves pound the shore. I race across the patio area, up the steps to the walkway, and wonder for one moment about my plan. I turn around and see balcony after balcony on either side. There are people watching from the safety of cover. I don't want safety. I want anger. I want rain. I want wind and thunder. I sit on the top step, mere inches from the sand. I watch the sea oats bending to kiss the ground, hear the thunder ripping through the sound of the wind, and again hesitate. I'm so tired of holding back from what I want. What I need. Stuffing my phone in my pocket and burying my hands I step out onto the sand. The wind rips off my hood and rain stings my face. Determined, I cross the empty beach wondering if the water is cold. At the first dip of toes in the waves I realize it's like bath water. I wade knee deep feeling the current pulling my feet. I was not sure how long I stood there until later but for that moment, time stopped. The waves crashed so furiously that there was no way to tell where one stopped and another began. There came a point in the downpour when I couldn't tell what was rain and what was tears. Not until I licked a drop of moisture from my lips did I realize I was crying. I have anger some times at the losses in my life. Both physically and emotionally. I felt each wave like a moment in space. Like a brutal beating of regrets, dreams, hopes, and fantasies. As the water rushed away from my feet, I felt each one washing out to sea. Lost in a vast depth that only God can fathom. For as much as man tries, he can never explain the sheer depth of feeling that the beauty and power of the ocean has upon my soul. As I stood there sobbing, lost in the sounds of a storm and the waves, I began to feel renewed. Awe struck. It was a breathtaking, terrifying, and mesmerizing feeling that no words I can write would ever explain. Nor can the pictures I snapped. For a brief moment, I was only one person out there. I was not alone though. I was touched. Moved. Motivated. Maybe even understood. Then the sun began to light the sky just enough to feel as though I was heard. The waves glowed, as if lit from below. Then sparkled like a million diamonds. Before I could exhale the breath it felt like I'd been holding for hours, the sun was gone again.

I'm back upstairs. The storm is gone. A momentary pause for most of these vacationers. I write sitting on the balcony, feet through the bars, feeling the now soft breeze. The people are flocking back down, setting up their chairs and splashing in the waves. How I pity them for missing the best part of the vacation. Then again, for that space in time when it felt as if I had the beach to myself, I thank them for being scared. They let me have my moment with God. I needed that. I found myself free, even if it was only for a moment.