Faith, graduation, and patience

For the moment...it feels like good things come to those who wait. Patience has never been a strong point for me. In plotting my next move, it never occurred to me the forces at work. Suffice it to say, being damn good at what I do was rewarded. With written promise of more to come. That brings a sigh of relief. The second job has not panned out, but alas, this was a blessing due to there being another "plan" in the works by my God. Some of y'all might be surprised to hear me talk of faith...truth is, only one knows the secrets of my heart and He isn't telling. I often forget to "let go and let God," but I assure you, the last six months, I have done a LOT of that! He has heard and responded. Maybe not in MY time or in MY way, but always in a way that makes me say, "Ohhhh, NOW I see!" To put it simply, I am a blessed girl and though I forget it at times, today I am reminded again.

I watched my...Baby Girl walk the stage and receive one of the greatest milestones of a Momma's life...her high school diploma. Yes, I am fully aware of this being her accomplishment. Her moment. Her hard work and dedication, even in the face of great struggle. But all of you have to admit, this is one of the biggest things a parent wants for their child. I told my kids since kindergarten, "The only FREE thing you will ever receive in this life is your high school diploma. No matter how much you f* up after that, no one can ever take that accomplishment away from you. If you play your cards right, it will also open doors for you that otherwise would be shut, locked, super glued, and welded shut!" I had the utter joy, the absolute delight, and the heart stopping moment of watching this for my girl. Hearing them say her name, "Erin Nicole Gilliam," brought a quick series of flashbacks. The moment during my ultrasound when the doctor told us it was a girl. The moment her father and I chose her name. The moment I watched Mark cradle her in his arms, tears in his eyes, as we awed at her beauty. The first time I said her name out loud. Hearing her name called during kindergarten graduation. The sparkle in her eye the first time she sat in the drivers seat and looked at me and smiled. The sound of her voice when she told me she was pregnant. All of this in the space of a few heartbeats as I watched her walk across the stage, shake hands, and grasp the prize. Erin Nicole, Baby Girl, my first love...I am so proud of you. I'm awed by the wonderful woman I see when I look at you. I am still amazed at the beauty that is you, not only outside, but inside as well. I love you deeper than the ocean, higher than the sky. Always.

{sunset on the way back from graduation}

Now comes...many long weeks of missing my boyz, working extra hours, and deciding the next step in my life. An interesting suggestion was made to me today and it has left me thoughtful. I have always wanted to go back to school and the suggestion thrown out today brought that back again. Can I handle it? Am I too old? Will the boyz understand the long term benefits? Do I REALLY want to take that step that has always been a dream? Time will tell. That's the funny thing about time. It waits for no one. No one is promised tomorrow. Things change in the space of a breath, a heartbeat, a moment in time. I already look back and wish I had done things differently. Do I want to feel the same way a year from now? Wondering if I had just taken a leap of my faith, trust that His plan will unfold as it should, and do what I want... Who knows? There might be more in store yet. Until then, I'm making more time for friends, myself, and continuously reminding myself that only I have the power to control my reaction. Shew! That's a lot to handle on a good day! Lol

For those who don't know...the running/walking has been put on hold. On June 2nd, I got up early and ran. During the last quarter mile, my knee started aching. I slowed to a walk and as I was nearing the end, I decided to run the last bit. Two steps into the run, I knew I couldn't keep going. I figured I just pushed too hard and after a hot shower and Motrin, I felt better. Unfortunately, by that Monday, I could barely walk, let alone handle the pain. I had it checked out and it appears to be patella tendonitis. It's been almost two weeks and there have been some very bad days. I am hard headed (is anyone surprised?!) and have struggled to stay off my leg. I'm pleased that while I'm hurting tonight, it is a tiny bit better today than yesterday. Yesterday was a little better than the day before. I miss running. It became an escape. A chance to think. To spend time with the boyz. To just...be. I fight with myself that I need to give it a few more days before I try to walk the trails. My heart though, screams to go. Again, patience is NOT something I possess!! Hopefully I can get back to it soon. Otherwise I'm going to go crazy!

I want to close...with a quote but I'm going to have to think about it. In the meantime, I have garlic roasting in the oven, hummus on the menu, and a cold beer in hand. Time to upload some pictures while I muddle through the muck in my mind for a quote.

"And think not you can direct the course of love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.  Love has no desire but to fufill itself.  But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires; To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.  To know the pain of too much tenderness.  To be wounded by your own understanding of love; And to bleed willingly and joyfully.  To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving; To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ectasy; To return home at eventide with gratitude; And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips"  ~Khalil Gibran, The Prophet

Tough days and "It's a Girl!"

~originally written 6/3/12~

So much brewing...in my mind for the last few days. Some good, some not, and some ever so peaceful moments. Friday just was not a good day. I struggled to remember to breathe. In, out, in, out. I tried to stay busy after a morning of a stomach that wasn't happy. It was mentioned today that maybe my nerves were the cause. Hmmm. Possibly. I didn't feel bad, just a tummy that was miserable. I dropped the boyz off and was back home by 5. Then began just hours and hours of struggle. Couldn't say why or what. Just was. I can say, it ended much better. Sometimes, a simple whispered statement can change your whole mood.

I woke up...the next morning with the lingering frustration of the day before and was somewhat angry with myself. As I lay there contemplating this anger I realized that I am allowed to have bad days. I'm human. Add to that being female and it's a done deal. If I wanna spend a day being miserable, cranky, and weepy...I'm allowed. It's what I do NEXT that matters. So, with that thought, I poured a cup of coffee and had a few sips while I got dressed. Tennis shoes tied, hair in a ponytail, and I was out. 5.2 miles later it was only a little after ten and I felt wonderfully better. The trails were breathtaking. There was enough of the morning chill in the air that I felt refreshed. Cleansed almost. Branches and leaves scattered all over the pavement showed evidence of the storms during the night. Yet the sun was shining and as I rounded one of the curves I saw such beauty, I lost what breath I had left. The sight of the sun burning the moisture of the asphalt made a gorgeous mist. Everything was a spectacular green, lit with rays of the sun, mixed with the mist. Just spell bounding. I am so thankful I made myself go run. By the time I got home, had breakfast, and a shower the day was off to a great start.

Saturday...was Erin's ultrasound. I was beyond excited that she invited me. Momma was coming too so I anxiously awaited her making it to my house since we were riding together. It seemed like the longest drive ever! We, of course, were 20 minutes early. Erin, of course, was barely on time. Harley, his mom, and his grandmother were also there. Seeing the images up on the screen just blew me away. Ultrasounds have come a long way since my babies! We watched her open and close her mouth, often sticking her tongue out! Eyes open occasionally, hand playing with the umbilical cord , and chubby cheeks so obvious! She has mine and Erin's lips and did I mention the chubby cheeks?! I am so blessed to have been there to witness!! I cannot wait to snuggle Lily and kiss those cheeks!

Oh my "What a melancholy day," I kept thinking. "What a a GREAT day," I kept thinking. The last day of the school year. No more getting up at o' dark thirty. No more homework, folders, missing pencils, lack of appropriate clothes at the last minute, and watching for buses. This also means no more quiet one on one convos with Nic while we sip coffee in the morning mist, watching for approaching lights and listening for the squeal of brakes. No more snuggles on the couch with AJ watching cartoons and contemplating breakfast choices. No more egg sammiches made with half open eyes while groping for the coffeepot. No more stories at the dinner table of who said what, who chased who, and what was going on the next day. It brings more opportunity for outside activities while we soak up every available ray of sunlight. It's the end of one adventure, the beginning of another. Tomorrow, we celebrate with a day trip to the beach before they head off to their Daddy's for a long visit. Saturday brings Erin's high school graduation...another melancholy yet joyous day. This is what we, as parents, work so hard for. What we yell about. What we spend sleepless nights worrying about. What we anticipate, even when they are but a speck in the womb. It's our goal from the moment we hold them in our arms. To see them grow.  To see them pass another year. To watch them become people. Productive, hard working, thoughtful, and responsible adults we can point at and say, "I made that. I did that. That one is MINE!".  A quote...."Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.  Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.  It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.  We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?  Actually, who are you not to be?  You are a child of God.  Your playing small does not serve the world.  There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.  We are all meant to shine, as children do.  We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.  It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.  And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.  As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.". ~Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of "A Course in Miracles," 1992 (commonly misattributed to Nelson Mandela, 1994 inauguration speech)