Kicked back...relaxed, sippin on gin and juice. Errr, back up!  It's more like a BL Platinum but gin would be delicious now that this song is running through my head. My body, mind, and soul just said "Ahhh!" cause my "official" work week is done. I know it was only three days but it surely tried to make up for it by being a stressful few days. However, I have managed to keep my new attitude in place and handled it well. Making sure I put every effort into not only remembering to eat, but striving to eat healthier. Reminding myself that only I can control how I react! I've remembered to take my vitamin every day which is a huge act of Congress!  Most days, I struggle to remember my name, let alone taking a vitamin. I have no excuse for this forgetfulness, just learning to take care of me has been new. I ran Sunday, Monday, skipped Tuesday, and ran again yesterday. I went alone yesterday and pushed myself more than usual. I am fairly certain my grin put the sun to shame on the ride home yesterday. I did 5.2 miles in 43 minutes! *fist pump, happy dance* My left leg started really hurting at work yesterday and after talking to Robin, I worried it might be a stress fracture. I looked it up online (yes, I KNOW better but seriously, I'm freaking human ya know!) and while a stress fracture is hard to diagnose, I decided I could at least try. Half a mile in I was worried. I told myself when I made it to the wooded trail, if I was still hurting, I'd stop. Hit the bench/start of the wooded trail and said "F%#¥ it, I've got this!" I'm so glad I did because I rocked it. I was sore as hell by the evening but a dose of Motrin, a hot shower this morning, and I feel fantastic!  I pray I can keep this up. Not only is it taking care of my health, it's feeling damn good about myself. That has been in short supply in recent weeks.

Which brings me...around to a comment last night. In looking at the calendar, I realized that almost every weekend (at least almost every Saturday) for the next two months, I've got something going on. I was called a "social butterfly" and I'm not sure that was a compliment. I thought a lot about that comment and realized that in truth, I am far from a social butterfly. The reality is, when Daddy died, I shut down. I refused (politely of course) every invitation...be it to come visit me, go visit someone else, or just to join an event. After several weeks of this, most invitations stopped. It makes sense when I think about it now. At the time I was so wrapped up in grief, guilt, "what if" thoughts, and depression that my only thoughts were "breathe in, breathe out." How many texts I answered with that response, I'll never know...but it was a lot. Every time I got to a place where I thought I was ok, something new came up, got said, or happened. There is a part of me that thinks writing out what happened (with losing Daddy) would be cathartic. Probably not something I would post. Just might help. There is a part of me that isn't sure I'm ready yet. Time will tell. I'm writing more. Several times a day actually. Most of it isn't anything I want to post. I have some dark thoughts. Writing helps. I have one major struggle/issue that isn't for public consumption and that is all I'll say about that!

So...let's see...This Saturday is an excitement!  Erin is having a 3D ultrasound and we are hoping to confirm that her coming bundle is in fact a girl!  I have searched high and low and there is VERY little "gender-neutral" clothing!  It makes me wanna scream! What happened to the joy of hearing, "It's a girl/boy?!?!" Mark and I did find out that Erin was a girl but I didn't know what either of the boyz were going to be. It's one of life's beautiful surprises (IMO) and I enjoyed those moments immensely. I don't judge what someone else chooses, it's more of a frustration that I can't purchase anything without knowing.  That question will hopefully be laid to rest after Saturday. Y'all know there will be texts and a FB post to follow when I know for sure. I am beyond excited that she asked me to be there. Is it Saturday yet?!?

The following Saturday...(June 9th) I will be the proud Momma, camera (cell phone to be specific since a camera is out of my budget...boo!) in hand, beaming hard enough to dim the lights as my daughter walks the stage for high school graduation. I said in the last blog post that we spend all these years praying we made the right decisions along the way, only to hold our breath as we watch them fly. I'm torn between absolute joy in watching her graduate, sorrow in realizing childhood is over, and fear that I haven't told her all she needs to know. Look both ways before you cross the street. (Now I wonder if I should have told her every decision in her life requires her to "look" in both directions) Remember that friends are the "glue" of life. (If it weren't for my friends, there are days I might not have gotten out of bed!) Always share. (This will apply to EVERY moment of your life. Sharing makes us part of our world. It connects us, it reaps what we sow, it makes us better people!) I hold my breath. In anticipation. In fear. In utter awe at this life I created. At this life that I created that carries a new life within. Come August, there will be a baby. A continuation of life. A new beginning. I've ALWAYS believed that out of death comes life. It doesn't always come in the way we thought. Who are we to judge?  Who are we to question?  All I know is, I cannot wait to hold my grandchild in my arms and be the first to sing happy birthday!

I close with a longing...Hug your babies tight. Hug your big kids tighter. Hug your parents ONE MORE TIME before you go. Never, EVER, EVER forget to say "I love you" because you NEVER know what tomorrow will bring. I'm very guilty of the last. I don't use the words enough. I hope those in my circle know how very much I love them. How they are in my thoughts even though hours, days, even weeks of silence pass. With that, I give you a quote that weighs heavy on my heart today. A friend posted about the loss of her father on FB today and I cannot even bring myself to offer sympathy due to the absolute grief that hits me when I think of it. To lose a loved one, no matter the cause (illness, tragedy, suicide, or just age) is a devastation that cannot be understood. Every situation, every circumstance is different. Please remember that before passing judgement.

"...When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight..."

Sunday

I've been snuggled...in my bed for the last two hours with my AJ. Watching movies, eating oatmeal, drinking coffee, and enjoying some one on one time with my "baby." It isn't often that I get time with my kids individually so I'm soaking in every second. He, on the other hand, is raring to go, go, go!  I know he has enjoyed this morning almost as much as I have but he misses his brother. Nic stayed the night with my Mishie and I'm sure he is in no hurry to come home. I haven't decided yet when we are leaving since I knew that Nic was hoping to spend the day there. We had the best time yesterday. I forget how much I need my friends until I'm with them. We are not destined to walk the journey of life alone. It requires friends, family, and loved ones to reach our destination. Sometimes they walk beside us as we stroll through the easy moments. Sometimes they pick us up and carry us when the weight of the world pulls us down. Other times they walk ahead of us to forge our path. Our journey should never be taken alone. 

After a 5.2 mile run on Friday...(go US!), yesterday morning was damn near a circus act while trying to get out of bed! I ached in muscles I didn't know existed. I figured out that as I kept moving, things were loosening up. That is, until I tried to go to the bathroom. All I can say is, thank God for a strategically placed wall and bathtub. Without those, I'm not sure how I would have gotten up!  Once up again, I just tried to keep moving. I managed to get some coffee in me and just when I started to feel slightly human, here comes Nic down the hall. Limping, moaning, and barely refraining from tears. I couldn't help but chuckle since an hour before, that was probably the look on my face!!  "Just keep moving baby. It gets better," was the only thing I could say. That wasn't even said with a straight face. After a long day with friends, finally lying down around midnight last night felt sooo good!  Final words of last night.... "I cannot wait to run again tomorrow!" Today is the day and I'm pleased to still feel the burn in my calves. Much better than yesterday, but still noticeable. 

Since AJ is getting cranky...and tired of waiting, it's time to jump in the shower and rock this day. There are many loads of laundry to do, floors to clean, and dishes to do but ya know what? It'll be waiting for me whenever I decide to tackle them. Right now isn't that moment. Today we are going to enjoy the moments. It's not the moments in life that make it so, it's the life in those moments! Or something along those lines :p Enjoy, I know I'm going to! 

Ahhh, a lovely afternoon...spent by the pool with Mishie, Momma, and all the boyz.  It was absolutely worth the drive!  It rained pretty hard on the way back and by the time I dropped Momma back at her house, it seemed to have stopped. I'm not so sure what the sky is going to do but I KNOW that I really want to run. Nic is game. AJ, not so much. Nic is currently re-stringing the weed eater and I'm going to change clothes in the hopes that if they don't want to go, I can still go alone. I figured since I started a load of laundry, I've at least put some effort into much needed housework. Off to see what happens. Stay tuned....

All I can say now is..."the best laid plans of mice and men." I'm not sure where that line comes from but it sure as hell fits my evening. When I dropped Momma off at her house this evening, letting AJ stay was mentioned. He didn't want to stay, so he said. Nothing was said about it all the way home. Get here, I change, start a load of laundry, Nic fixes the weed eater, and AJ eats dinner. I head out the front door to say I'm ready to run and AJ throws what can only be described as a "drama queen hissy fit!" Nic is my usual drama queen but AJ was showing his colors tonight!  He didn't wanna go, he didn't wanna stay, he didn't wanna do anything but whine! This is when he informs me he wanted to stay at Grandmas but needed to come home and eat first. *sigh* That boy will eat anything that doesn't eat him first. I made HIM call and ask if it was ok to come over while Nic and I ran and thankfully, the answer was yes. Sooo, drive there, slow down and let him jump out (just kidding....geez!), and Nic and I race to the park. The issue at hand was the sign says they are open from sunrise to sunset. It was 1930 when we started the trail. He and I did 3.2 miles in 35 minutes, and I ran 2 of it before I punked out. We went back to Momma's to pick AJ up, I visit with Momma for a few minutes, and then we say goodbye and head to the car.  AJ comes to the car, hangs his head, and asks if he can stay the night. I tell him he has to ask Grandma if it's ok, the answer is yes again, and while shaking my head, we head back home...just Nic and I. I was a bit cranky about that but truth is, I had some one on one time with AJ this morning, now I get some with Nic. To make a long story short, it lasted an hour and a half before my Mom had to bring AJ home. *sigh again* Oh well, I had an amazing run with Nic, had time to talk with him on the way there, to Momma's, then back home again. I feel fantastic from the run even though I can barely move as I write this! I say I see a difference already though I think that might be wishful thinking. Whatever it is, I know that I am making steps (ha ha, see what I did there? :p) towards taking care of ME! 

One of those "steps"...is taking the time to write. I know it's cathartic to get the words out. It's always been my thing I guess. Pouring out the thoughts that swarm and buzz. I have found that whether anyone reads it or not isn't the point. It's having it THERE when/if the kids ever wanna read it. The words are there when I need a stroll down memory lane. When I posted the blog the other day, I read backwards, all the way to the first one. I cried, I laughed, and I ached with the memories. I have friends who are overwhelmed (in a good way!) with the "baby" moments. I write this with a daughter graduating in two weeks,  also turning 18 in a month, ALSO giving me a grandchild in about 2 months, and 13 and 10 year old boyz sound asleep down the hall. This is what we do as parents. We raise them to be independent. To have lives of their own. To unfurl the wings we've given them and FLY. I often wonder if they realize that as Momma's (and Daddy's!), our hearts are in our throats while we wonder if we did the right thing over the last few years. I remember changing diapers, sleepless nights, tripping over toys, and wondering if it would ever end. Let me tell you, on a Saturday night, kids asleep before 10, nothing more than a stray shoe accidentally left in the floor, I feel slightly lost. Time to find myself eh?  Bring it on!  This summer is my turn to find ME!  We'll see what I find. We'll see if I can keep these changes I'm making in place.  I read that it takes 21 days to make something a habit. I'm 13 days in to a new routine....here goes nothing. 

I have a quote...as usual. I was introduced to Khalil Gibran about 2 years ago and I keep his writing, "The Prophet" open on my iPod at all times. I love the quotes and this one seems fitting... 
"Therefore let your soul exalt your reason to the height of passion; that it may sing; And let it direct your passion with reason, that your passion may live through its own daily resurrection, and like the phoenix rise above its own ashes." 

Monday

Waking up I knew...it was going to be one of the mornings that I caught an extra 45 minutes of sleep on the couch. I didn't sleep much or well the night before and it was going to take that extra few minutes (and several cups of coffee of course!) to get me through the day. Thankfully, traffic was decent, work went smoother than usual, and I was in the car at 5 pm. That so rarely happens that I actually smiled while I locked the office door!  A phone call home to let the boyz know that I was on the way and I discovered that they wanted to go to White Deer Park to walk. I hesitated because yesterday I went alone and walked just shy of 5 miles. I wasn't sure I could handle two days in a row after so many months of minimal physical activity. I asked if they were sure that is what they wanted to do and heard a unanimous "yes!" from the peanut gallery. I made it home by 5:20, changed, and back in the car on the way by 5:30. We started the trail by 5:45 and all I can say is it turned into one of those evenings where I didn't have to remind myself every few moments that it is not ok to eat your young when you are of the human race. They had me laughing from the beginning. We saw a woman we had seen last week who they call "poufy." Then, AJ had to exclaim loudly, "Isn't there a 'no nudity' rule here?"  This occurred when a formerly large man ran by without a shirt on. I have to admit, a shirt would have helped cause I was worried some of the swinging skin might do bodily damage to passing people. We saw some beauties of nature along the way. (I do NOT mean people!) I found an opportunity to talk to my boyz without telephones, computers, or tv's running in the background.  What a blessing these walks have been.

As usual...my writing is sporadic and rarely gets completed the same day. It's Thursday now, the end to my work week (at my paying job that is!) and the boyz and I just got home from a RUN. No, that isn't a typo... We actually ran two miles.  The trail we take is 2.2 miles around.  There is another mile that you can add on if you go through the woods.  I half walk, half run when I'm by myself.  I have been walking the last week when the boyz are with me.  Due to them knowing that my health has been an issue lately, they are the ones encouraging the daily walks.  Today, they decided we had walked enough.  About half a mile into the trails, Nic says, "Let's run from here to the wooded trail where the extra mile starts."  I look at AJ who exclaims, "Let's DO IT!"  We all put our headphones in, give thumbs up, and we are off.  Now, I had told them "low and slow" to start out.  I'm proud to say all three of us did a solid mile before stopping.  We took it down to a brisk walk while high fiving each other!  I'm beyond proud of those boyz!  Not only for encouraging me but for doing it WITH me.  We walked probably a quarter mile, then ran another mile, then walked a quarter, then ran the end of it.  Total for the day is 3.2 miles!  I'm sore, still drying out the sweat, but feel AHH-MAZING!  They talked all the way home about tomorrow, attempting to run more.  Did I mention how damn proud I am of them yet?! :p


Some other things...have been brewing lately.  I'm still torn on how I feel about stuff but I have finally seen some of it for what it is.  A blessing.  After months upon months of struggling with how to financially continue in my current job, an opportunity fell in my lap.  I'm NOT leaving my current job.  While I absolutely love what I do, I am beyond done with the drama that comes with it.  I just remembered how best to proceed.  A conversation last night stuck in my head all day today and honestly, it's what has me in the current mood I carry.  Over two years ago, I inked "it is what it is" on my forearm.  I put a lot of thought into where I was going to put it.  I knew what I was putting, just not where.  I chose my forearm to be a constant reminder.  I finish the quote (if you view it that way...I do, it's my blog, bite me if you don't like it....) in multiple different ways in my head.  It just depends on the day and the moment.  Today, I've finished it (in my head of course) with "and only I have the power to control how I react."  That reminder has been missing lately.  It isn't that I didn't "see" it staring at me from my arm....it's that I chose to let emotion and reaction control me.  In that aspect, I can only blame myself.  I got through today with the thought "it is what it is" and "one day at a time" running through me.  Hmmm, another tat?  I'm definitely over due for another one!!  I back track, as usual, but suffice it to say... With the opportunity that has arisen, I have a chance to bust my ass this summer, make a difference in my finances, and it is up to ME to remember that I have to take care of myself.  Physically (by running/walking, checking my blood sugar more often, and paying attention to what I'm eating)  Emotionally (by remembering that only I have the power to control MY reaction to any given situation, and that a person can only deal with one day at a time...even super Mom)  Mentally (by remembering to do things for ME...I foresee a trip or two to my favorite place this summer.......)  When I'm running, it's what I see in my mind.  What I dream I'm running towards.  While I run, I dream of the sounds of the waves, washing in, taking my worries and fears, and rolling back out into a depths that I cannot fathom.  Letting those worries and fears wash into an abyss...No longer needed by me.  Taken on by something more powerful than myself.  By something that will exist long after me.  By something that is never ending, as it storms in, and quietly rolls back. 

Dinner is done...and boyz are staggering in looking for food.  It's time to close for now.  I'd like to say I'm going to make more effort to post again.  Truth is, who knows if I'll have the time, let alone the words.  Writing has always been my release.  We'll see what tomorrow brings.  I can only take "one day at a time" and this day is almost over.  I'm ending it with a feeling of peace.  Something I've been missing for a few weeks.  It feels pretty damn good if I do say so myself.  And I do...cause it's my blog and all :D


I leave you with a quote...as always.  Though this time, it's from a song I love.  The Fray, All At Once     "...all at once the crowd begins to sing, sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same..."