Kicked back...relaxed, sippin on gin and juice. Errr, back up!  It's more like a BL Platinum but gin would be delicious now that this song is running through my head. My body, mind, and soul just said "Ahhh!" cause my "official" work week is done. I know it was only three days but it surely tried to make up for it by being a stressful few days. However, I have managed to keep my new attitude in place and handled it well. Making sure I put every effort into not only remembering to eat, but striving to eat healthier. Reminding myself that only I can control how I react! I've remembered to take my vitamin every day which is a huge act of Congress!  Most days, I struggle to remember my name, let alone taking a vitamin. I have no excuse for this forgetfulness, just learning to take care of me has been new. I ran Sunday, Monday, skipped Tuesday, and ran again yesterday. I went alone yesterday and pushed myself more than usual. I am fairly certain my grin put the sun to shame on the ride home yesterday. I did 5.2 miles in 43 minutes! *fist pump, happy dance* My left leg started really hurting at work yesterday and after talking to Robin, I worried it might be a stress fracture. I looked it up online (yes, I KNOW better but seriously, I'm freaking human ya know!) and while a stress fracture is hard to diagnose, I decided I could at least try. Half a mile in I was worried. I told myself when I made it to the wooded trail, if I was still hurting, I'd stop. Hit the bench/start of the wooded trail and said "F%#¥ it, I've got this!" I'm so glad I did because I rocked it. I was sore as hell by the evening but a dose of Motrin, a hot shower this morning, and I feel fantastic!  I pray I can keep this up. Not only is it taking care of my health, it's feeling damn good about myself. That has been in short supply in recent weeks.

Which brings me...around to a comment last night. In looking at the calendar, I realized that almost every weekend (at least almost every Saturday) for the next two months, I've got something going on. I was called a "social butterfly" and I'm not sure that was a compliment. I thought a lot about that comment and realized that in truth, I am far from a social butterfly. The reality is, when Daddy died, I shut down. I refused (politely of course) every invitation...be it to come visit me, go visit someone else, or just to join an event. After several weeks of this, most invitations stopped. It makes sense when I think about it now. At the time I was so wrapped up in grief, guilt, "what if" thoughts, and depression that my only thoughts were "breathe in, breathe out." How many texts I answered with that response, I'll never know...but it was a lot. Every time I got to a place where I thought I was ok, something new came up, got said, or happened. There is a part of me that thinks writing out what happened (with losing Daddy) would be cathartic. Probably not something I would post. Just might help. There is a part of me that isn't sure I'm ready yet. Time will tell. I'm writing more. Several times a day actually. Most of it isn't anything I want to post. I have some dark thoughts. Writing helps. I have one major struggle/issue that isn't for public consumption and that is all I'll say about that!

So...let's see...This Saturday is an excitement!  Erin is having a 3D ultrasound and we are hoping to confirm that her coming bundle is in fact a girl!  I have searched high and low and there is VERY little "gender-neutral" clothing!  It makes me wanna scream! What happened to the joy of hearing, "It's a girl/boy?!?!" Mark and I did find out that Erin was a girl but I didn't know what either of the boyz were going to be. It's one of life's beautiful surprises (IMO) and I enjoyed those moments immensely. I don't judge what someone else chooses, it's more of a frustration that I can't purchase anything without knowing.  That question will hopefully be laid to rest after Saturday. Y'all know there will be texts and a FB post to follow when I know for sure. I am beyond excited that she asked me to be there. Is it Saturday yet?!?

The following Saturday...(June 9th) I will be the proud Momma, camera (cell phone to be specific since a camera is out of my budget...boo!) in hand, beaming hard enough to dim the lights as my daughter walks the stage for high school graduation. I said in the last blog post that we spend all these years praying we made the right decisions along the way, only to hold our breath as we watch them fly. I'm torn between absolute joy in watching her graduate, sorrow in realizing childhood is over, and fear that I haven't told her all she needs to know. Look both ways before you cross the street. (Now I wonder if I should have told her every decision in her life requires her to "look" in both directions) Remember that friends are the "glue" of life. (If it weren't for my friends, there are days I might not have gotten out of bed!) Always share. (This will apply to EVERY moment of your life. Sharing makes us part of our world. It connects us, it reaps what we sow, it makes us better people!) I hold my breath. In anticipation. In fear. In utter awe at this life I created. At this life that I created that carries a new life within. Come August, there will be a baby. A continuation of life. A new beginning. I've ALWAYS believed that out of death comes life. It doesn't always come in the way we thought. Who are we to judge?  Who are we to question?  All I know is, I cannot wait to hold my grandchild in my arms and be the first to sing happy birthday!

I close with a longing...Hug your babies tight. Hug your big kids tighter. Hug your parents ONE MORE TIME before you go. Never, EVER, EVER forget to say "I love you" because you NEVER know what tomorrow will bring. I'm very guilty of the last. I don't use the words enough. I hope those in my circle know how very much I love them. How they are in my thoughts even though hours, days, even weeks of silence pass. With that, I give you a quote that weighs heavy on my heart today. A friend posted about the loss of her father on FB today and I cannot even bring myself to offer sympathy due to the absolute grief that hits me when I think of it. To lose a loved one, no matter the cause (illness, tragedy, suicide, or just age) is a devastation that cannot be understood. Every situation, every circumstance is different. Please remember that before passing judgement.

"...When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight..."