Finally, some happy tears....

Most know...the very rough week I've had.  I think it would be cathartic to write out what has been going through my mind, given the situation.  Truth is, I can't make anyone understand how I feel.  Yes, most, if not all, have experienced heartache.  I'm not ready yet to write it out.  Even when I am, it probably won't get posted.  I just know that I have been ABSOLUTELY blessed with the best friends.  I love all of them, my family, and most of all my children.  The unfortunate part of the entire situation is how much my boys are grieving over what happened.  They don't know details, they only know that once again, someone they had grown to like very much has left.  In their eyes at least.  We persevere.  We get up.  We begin again.  I'm NOT ready to begin again, or even get up, right now.  It will happen....y'all just better look out for when that time comes.

My purpose in blogging today...is to share with the world (OK, just my followers, yet that IS my world) the most amazing email I have ever received.  The utter despair on Nic's face when he caught me sobbing again almost broke the pieces of my heart that are left.  I had to reassure him these were HAPPY tears.  Tears that couldn't be restrained.  The following will probably make y'all cry too....I'm willing to share my Kleenex, though I'm still in need so pass em back when you're done.....

~trish

My mom has and always will be the most significant person in my life. Just like Lennie, in Of Mice and Men, I’m clueless to the world. Just like, George does for Lennie, in Of Mice and Men, my mom guides me in the right directions. My mom has always been there for me, through the good times and the bad. She’s always protected me, even if it meant sacrificing things of her own. I want to be just like her someday.

My mom married at a young age to, what appeared to be, a kind hearted man. As the relationship progressed, he became more and more abusive. After a long and hard abusive relationship, my mom gained the courage to take my brothers and I and leave. Just like George took Lennie from the town of Weed for his protection, my mom has always cared about my safety. She has showed this not only in the situation above but in many other ways.

Just like my mom stuck with me through that horrible, abusive, relationship with my step father, she’s stuck with me through everything. I specifically remember the time my doctor, unknowingly at the time, falsely, told me I had a brain tumor. I cried and cried. My mom held me for the longest time and she cried too. That was just the beginning of the horrible weeks that followed. My mom never left my side. She missed so much work, just to stay with me. We made it through test after test, her and I. There’s no way I would’ve been able to get through that period of time, on my own. Even though Of Mice and Men doesn’t go into much detail about Lennie losing his aunt, his only guardian... I can imagine it was hard for him, even at a young age. George has been with Lennie ever since his aunt died. He stuck with him through everything that followed and that’s what my mom did; she stuck with me through it all.

My mom is my role model; I’ve looked up to her for as long as I can remember. How she’s overcome the things she has, I’ll never know. The most baffling thing of all, she’s the strongest person I’ve ever met. Someday, I want to be just like her. I want to overcome obstacles that seem impossible and still come out strong.         

In conclusion, I would be nowhere close to who I am today without the help of my mom. My mom has always been by my side, never leaving it for a second. She’s sacrificed so much for my safety, success and happiness. She’s worked hard for me, cried with me and celebrated with me. She’s my George and I’m her Lennie. She’s everything I hope to be in the future. I don’t know how I’ll make it but I know that however difficult it will be, she’ll be there to push me along. 

(WRITTEN BY: ERIN NICOLE GILLIAM)

If It Could, It Would

So I find myself...home unexpectedly after sleeping Saturday night and most of Sunday.  I did all the sleeping, for the most part, so that I could work my 12 hour shift.  I'm going to choose not to discuss the other reasoning for sleeping and justify it with needing it for the week I am facing.  Last week was one of those where if it could, it would.  It ended with a "bang," pretty much literally.  Monday night was my staff meeting at work that I woke up early to attend.  I have to say, all things considered, it was very productive.  Having placed a ham in the Crockpot that morning before I went to bed, it was so nice to come home around 7 to the wonderful scent of dinner already done.  Instant mashed potatoes (the best and so simple!), baked pineapple, and yeast rolls and I was ready for my "Mother of the Year" award.  (hahahaha, I can hear my kids snorting over THAT one!)  Dishes done, laundry going, lunch for myself made, and off to work I went.

Tuesday was the only day...that week to sleep in and of course, I couldn't sleep.  Such is life....for me at least.  It was also one of those nights where I struggled to get out of the house on time.  No particular reason, just happens that way sometimes.  I was in a hurry to clock in before I was counted as late.  I swiped at the time clock, noticing it was 2244.  As it ALWAYS goes, the swipe didn't take and I got that annoying error beep.  Wait a few seconds for it to reset itself, and as it HAS to happen, the clock changed to 2245 as I successfully swiped.  Turn, badge myself into the back of the Chest Pain Unit, almost run over the guy rolling out the trash, wonder what that horrible smell is, and code myself into the lounge....  Only to find it full of thick, HORRIBLE smelling smoke pouring from the microwave and sparks coming from the wall outlet.  Panicked, I head towards it, thinking, "Electrical fire, unplug the source!"  Get halfway there, realize the microwave is not even on, the smoke is so thick I can't see the cabinets, I go out the door into the unit.  Head to the back nurses station saying, "Pull the fire alarm, the lounge is on fire....PULL THE FIRE ALARM!"  Because it is ME saying it, they go to LOOK first, then come back saying, "Yeah, we have to pull the fire alarm!"  So yeah, fire in the lounge, only me who finds it, only me that they all think is kidding, only me that has to talk to the fire chief to explain what happened!  Perk....Some very good looking fire fighters spent some time in our unit and most of us were ogling.  Gotta love a man in uniform....

Wednesday brought...the semi-formal dinner.  The social committee held the second annual Children's Emergency Dept Recognition Dinner and I really enjoyed it!  Getting up early (again!) really sucked but the occasion was worth it.  Erin spent an hour curling my hair and even did my makeup.  I absolutely love that girl!  (MOST of the time)  Wearing a dress, heels, curls, and well done makeup is a wonderful way to feel so feminine :)  Hanging with friends, all dressed up as well, seeing some of them get silly with a few drinks, dancing, wonderful food, and great speeches by some of our finest doctors made for a wonderful reminder of why I have been with  the CED for almost 6 years now.

Thursday was a mix...of good and sad.  Richard left for CT that day and we managed to have a few hours together between the time I got off work and he headed out for the 13 hour (give or take) drive up there.  Sigh, I don't like CT right now....After getting home around 1, I of course could not go right to sleep.  I finally managed to grab a few hours before the kids woke me up around 7:30.  Back to sleep by midnight and also back on a "normal" schedule.  It is VERY hard to bounce back and forth from "nights" to "days" but I have to in order to function on the weekends.

Friday saw me...getting back into the swing of going to the gym.  Michael tortured me for an hour.  I told him going with him is the best because he pushes me beyond what I think I can do, works muscles that are in need, and allows me someone to call names and talk junk to.  Thankfully, he is a good sport about it and I think he enjoys torturing me as much as I enjoy calling him names.  A nap on the couch before the kids got home from school helped my aching muscles and then it was off to pick up Maryann and drop the boys off with their grandma.  The girls treated me to dinner at the Waffle House, which involved wearing crazy hats and LOTS of laughter.  We have so much fun when we go out it is a wonder we managed to get any food in between talking and laughing.  Maryann insisted on the jukebox and unfortunately, it was some weird Waffle House song that Erin knew the words and sang along with!  I brought the girls home, threw some jeans on, fixed the hat hair, and headed to my favorite Draft House for a few hours.  One of their specials for the night was Aviators and it was dark and strong.  Yum!  As my life goes, a fight broke out on the patio, beer bottles flying, egos bruised, and some sent home.  Free entertainment...

Me, though you can't completely see the hat!

Maryann and Erin looking ADORABLE as always!

Saturday morning...was Erin's first day training at work as a waitress.  She was very excited, still seems to be after two days, and will start working a few days during the week as well.  (Read as no sleep for Momma!)  I grabbed a few more hours of sleep and then Maryann and I went to help prepare for a vigil I am attending in November.  Check my Facebook page for more information!!  Protecting our daughters is VERY important and I am proud to say that I have had Erin vaccinated against the HPV virus.  There are still no side effects from getting the vaccine but EARLY vaccination is the key.  We must vaccinate our daughters BEFORE they become sexually active.  Once they are, they may have already been exposed to HPV.  HPV is said to be the leading cause of  most cervical cancers.  I would LOVE to see some familiar faces on the 6th as we celebrate and honor those who have lost their lives and educate others about the importance of yearly pap smears and vaccinations.

Sunday...Ahhh, Sunday...started off with driving Erin to work.  Nothing unusual, this happens almost every Saturday and Sunday morning.  I grab my keys, phone, smokes, and a drink and head to the car.  Sometimes I wear pajamas, sometimes I even wear shoes, and other times, I get home and realize I didn't even take my purse.  This particular morning, I was in pajamas, no shoes, hair not brushed, but I DID take my purse.  What happens, blue lights in the rear-view.  I KNOW I wasn't speeding....I knew he was behind me!  So, in the dawn, trying to find somewhere safe to pull over, I pull onto a side road.  Roll my window down and then Erin starts cracking jokes.  NOT funny ones at that!  He comes up to ask me if I was aware that my tag lights were out.  Of course I didn't know, else I would have fixed them so as not to get pulled over at 6:45 in the morning with no shoes on.  He asks to see my driver's license and says he will be right back.  Erin begins again with the not funny jokes.  He comes back, gives me a warning ticket, and then, as only she can do, leans around me and says, "Can you write me a note for being late to work?"  Silence, I assume while he waits for her to say, "Just Kidding!"  He realizes she is serious and says, "No, sorry.  I can't do that."  He tells us to have a nice day and we are off.  Only a few minutes late but there safely.  I come home to sleep all day until time to pick her up from work.  Drive back to Raleigh, drive back home, shower, start some laundry, and drive to Knightdale to pick up the boys and drop Maryann off. I thought Maryann had her things in the trunk so I popped it from inside when we got there.  Make all the exchanges of children and head back out on the road.  I heard something, remembered I had popped the trunk, so knowing I will be sitting at the light for a few minutes, I put it in park and hop out (leaving the car door open) to make sure it is shut.  Come back to the car, lean down to pick something up off the ground thinking I dropped it, and slam my head into the edge of the door.  Stars explode, the world spins, and I cannot hear.  Erin keeps saying, "Are you OK?  Are you going to pass out?  OMG Momma, there is a DENT in your head.  Let me drive!  You are completely white.  Don't drive.  Pull over."  So maybe she didn't say all of that at once.  I don't remember it very clearly.  I did feel really out of sorts and was still seeing stars so as soon as I made the light, I pulled over and let her drive.  Once home, the dizziness kicked in upon getting out of the car.  The queasiness kicked in shortly thereafter.  I left for work an hour after we got home and probably shouldn't have.  The ringing in my ears was in full force by the time I arrived at work and I was feeling very disoriented.  I managed a few hours of my shift before I couldn't do it anymore.  A head CT confirmed what I was already pretty confident of.  I have a VERY hard head.  No bleed or fracture.  Just a concussion.  I was home a bit before 1am and as usual, can't sleep.  The Zofran is barely controlling the nausea and the Motrin has the pain at a minimum.  Unfortunately, the headache is in full swing before I can take another dose.  I read the discharge instructions once I was home.  I am supposed to be with a responsible adult for 24 hours following a head injury.  I don't know any "responsible adults!!"  LOL

So there you have it...my week, in novel form, full of excitement, ups, downs, fire fighters, flying beer bottles, and head injuries.  I can only say...."ONLY ME!"  This week promises to be off as well.  I'm not sure how or if I will manage to work tonight (Monday) nor how this will affect my upcoming scheduled time off.  Erin will work at least two days this week which means picking her up from school at 2:20, taking her to work, picking her up at 9, bringing her home, and then heading to work myself.  Oh yeah, I also have to figure out how to fix the tag lights on the car to prevent another delay in my travels.  I can say I am soooo looking forward to Mishie's Halloween Party on Saturday.  I will use that to get me through this week.  It is time to get the kids off to school, dose myself up with Motrin again, and head off into the wonderful world of sleep.  I don't have any parting words other than.........  Be good or be good AT it

~trish

An OLD find

I said before...that I had found some really good posts from my blogs on MySpace.  This one hit home more than any others.  A simple yet breathtaking reminder of what I can only describe as "simplicity."  It's a reminder that it is the little things that you remember later.  I clearly remember that day.  Painted like strokes of a brush.  AJ's cold fingers when he brought me that flower.  How we were both enthralled with the fact that he found such a beauty when the rest of the Earth had pulled within, in anticipation of winter.  How Nic spent that day racing around the yard with energy I envied.  How I had procrastinated cleaning the kitchen that day yet when Erin began to do it, it no longer seemed a chore.  Rather an opportunity to spend time with her.  I look forward to more memories, a lifetime of them to come.


Enjoy


~trish


Sunday, November 16, 2008

AJ brought me a flower today.  A pure reminder of beauty, nature, love.  A simple thing.  Something I had no part in.  Something that grew regardless of me.  A reminder that after the rain, wonderous things happen.  After the storms  the sun shone strong, bright, beautiful upon a sky of clouds.  The wind blew away the reminders of a night of tension.  The air was warm and caressing upon my skin.  A reminder that there is warmth to come.

Erin cleaned the kitchen.  Washed away the reminders of a mess, a meal, a feeding of not only the body, but the mind and soul.  The counters are wiped clean.  A clean slate upon which to begin another mess.  To begin cooking a new meal, a new opportunity to feed the body, mind, and soul.  A reminder that what once was messy can be clean again.  Though the memory will always linger.  The enjoyment of making the mess.  The simple act of cleaning it and beginning anew.  Sometimes you only need someone to start the process so that you can join them in the cleansing.

Nicholas runs out the door.  The wind tossing his hair all around.  The cold pinkening his cheeks.  Yet the smile that seems to put the sun to shame as he races here and there.  Chasing what seems to me, the essence of childhood.  A reminder that it is only a short time before the world catches up and changes the outlook.  I watch the joyful abandon.  The boundless energy.  The pure excitement at the things that we overlook in the constant race of life.

Take a moment.  Just one.  Look.  Feel.  Listen.  Touch.


Read more:http://www.myspace.com/mom2threewild1s/blog?page=2#ixzz12QjVpw9i

Sunday Morning Reflections, Theories, and Thoughts

I just blogged Friday... but felt like doing it again (I will blog when I want and you WILL like it! lol)  It has been such a week.  There aren't enough pages to convey it all.  The emotions, the stress, the exhaustion, the mental strain of trying to be all, do all, and take care of all.  It becomes overwhelming sometimes.  There is something that has been on my mind for many, many days now and it is time to put it to the universe (meaning y'all)  I've had quite a few weeks of "reflection."  Maybe it has to do with the change of seasons, maybe due to the changes in my life, the new person within, the people who helped me get to today, who knows?  It has been 2 1/2 years since I stepped out "on my own" and the difference between then and now is truly spectacular  The changes are extraordinary.  It is me becoming ME.  I think the day we stop changing, we might as well give up.  You must be like the tree and bend with the wind.  I've heard it worded so many different ways, but I'm gonna give you my theory.  (It's why you're reading this isn't it?)  A tree starts as a seed.  It begins to grow and needs lots of support, love, care, food for the roots, and the soul.  (soil, catch my parallel here?)  Sometimes you have to add outside support to ensure it grows upwards, always reaching for the stars, instead of bent and misshapen.  As it grows bigger and stronger, begins to flower and show it's magnificent colors and beauty, it also begins to reach further down.  Into the soul, the soil, and find it's source of enrichment.  The storms come, the powerful winds that push the limbs to maximum breaking point.  A strong tree will withstand these storms, these winds.  You know why?  Because the roots are buried in the soul, the soil.  Strong, unbreakable, holding up the tree from within.  Enabling the limbs to bow and sway, even reach down to touch the ground.  Sometimes they don't want to reach upwards again.  They are broken, shattered even, into pieces that cannot be replaced.  Then, from within, and from without, they are given the encouragement they need to reach again.  To begin anew.  To form new limbs.  Not to replace the old ones.  They are not replaceable.  They are merely a new beginning.  Maybe this doesn't make sense to all, but as a "visual" person, there is an image etched in my mind.  I have been bent, misshapen, broken, and shattered even.  Yet I still reach.  I begin again.  There are many times I don't want to.  I want to be 3 again, stomp my foot, and say, "I don't wanna!  I'm not gonna and you can't make me!"  As Allison once said to me, "You can't see the rainbow through the tears in your eyes."  I'm making my own rainbow.

So back to the "reflections,"...Have you ever stopped and counted on your fingers how many people you could count on to tell your secrets to?  Lately, I have.  I don't have that many fingers, or toes for that matter. In my reflections, I realized that 3 years ago, there were two people in my life that I could trust, and I chose not to tell them everything.  I did not have a single person to whom I could truly tell what my life was like.  How can I ever express what that was like?  I don't think I can ever fully explain the solitude of that existence.  Nor would I ever care to be there again.  My circle is wide, and ever expanding.  This isn't to say that I don't have moments where I feel adrift and alone.  Then I realize that there are so many people I could call who would drive, fly, walk, or run to be by my side.  Some of them (y'all know who you are!) would come bearing arms!  What an awesome feeling.  I wish everyone could say the same.

People will come and go...in your life.  The footprints will remain forever.  I am pretty sure I absolutely decimated that quote, but you know what I mean.  Wounds heal, hearts mend, scars fade, memories last forever.  You all know my favorite saying, and in case you forgot, refer to right forearm.  That always has to be expounded upon.  While it's true, "it is what it is," it is also what you want it to be.  Only you can accept it or change it.

~trish

Auctions, Birthdays, and Fall rambles....

My mom asked me...the other morning on the phone if I had blogged again.  The answer was no, obvious to those of you that are following.  Sometimes the words are there, other times they are not.  Lately it has been more of a "not."  It's been a tough week.  I think that my mind is so full that nothing up there makes sense.  (OK peanut gallery, no sarcastic comments!)  There are things going on that many know about.  Such as my Gullie.  There are things going on that I have told no one about.  Life is tough.  It is a daily struggle.  I don't believe I am walking this alone.  There are moments where I wonder if the tests I am facing in life will ever conclude in a break that lasts longer than a few days.  I signed into MySpace tonight and read through some of my old blogs.  Amazing how the words can flow from me.  I almost transferred a few of them to here.  I may still do that!!  Oldies for sure ;)  It does remind me that I have faced some VERY tough times and pulled through.  Which leads me to my first thoughts.  Y'all hang on, it's gonna probably get more random than it already is.....

Saturday, October 2nd 2010...is a day that will forever be etched in my memory.  It was the day my mom and Aunt Linda had worked so hard towards.  The day that the entire family alternately dreaded and awaited.  The auction for my grandma's (from here on, known as Gullie, my name for her since I was little!) house and everything in it.  It was decided this was the best way to handle things and Momma and A Linda had spent months cleaning, sorting, scrubbing, and aching with memories.  My Aunt Candy came down and spent a weekend helping and April went once.  I wasn't able to make it to help, though I was always on the other end of the phone for Momma.  To listen to her cry, remember, get angry, and dread the upcoming auction.  The night before, I pretty much convinced myself that this was not going to be as hard as Momma warned me it might be.  I was going to be her moral support, even though the rest of the family was going to be there as well.  I should not have misjudged my emotions.  I didn't sleep well Friday night.  I was told I tossed and turned and basically made it obvious it was bothering me.  I stalled all morning getting ready, even to the point of being told we needed to head out cause I had made us late enough.  Contrary to popular occasion, I despise being late!  We drove separate cars since Richard had to go to work before the auction would end.  I kept telling myself, almost like a chant in my mind, it was going to be fine.  I was going to be fine.  As we approached the neighborhood entrance, I saw the signs.  That was when the pressure in my chest started, my eyes began to tear, and the memories flowed.  I remember getting up on summer mornings, hopping on my pink bike with the banana seat, and riding to my grandparents house.  Gullie would be at work and it was MY turn to help Pappap cut the grass.  I loved getting to ride the lawnmower while he watched to make sure I didn't run over the fence or the rock garden.  After the yard was finished, we would load the trash in his truck and head to the dump.  This was the best part.  Listening to him tell me stories, ask me about my summer, my friends, and feeling the wind from the open windows cool the sweat in my hair.  Then we would go to McDonald's for breakfast and more stories.  As I parked on the side of the road and waited for Richard to get out of the car, more memories came.  My Pappap holding Erin in the hospital.  Him holding Nicholas while sitting in his recliner.  He always called him "Nicky-Baby" and Nic would give his huge toothless grin with drool streaming off of his chin while my Pappap laughed.  My Pappap never got to meet AJ.  (bear with me, rambling between memories and the day of the auction)  I spotted Momma as I walked up and as I hugged her, I began to sob.  "I didn't expect it to hurt this much," was all I kept saying.  And it was the truth.  I knew we were doing what had to be done, I just didn't realize it would be so painful.  I pulled myself together and Richard and I went through the house.  Momma insisted I should walk through while I could.  I went very quickly and it was difficult but I felt it was necessary to see how hard they had worked.  It was completely empty  which was weird to me.  I never thought I would see the day.  We went back outside and began to wander the tables where all of the household stuff was displayed to view before the auction began.  Lo and Behold, I stumbled upon an ancient bible that I knew my grandma had held on to for many years.  I was in shock that it was on the table, though I do understand they were hoping to make as much money as possible to continue to pay for Gullie's care.  So begins the auction.  The auctioneer was good at what he did and with a bit of comedic relief, it was a bit easier as the day wore on.  Richard bought me a gift that day....yep, the "family" bible!

It is copyrighted 1882 and my Aunt Linda let me keep a letter that was written in 1884.  History in my hands!
The auction didn't go as well as we planned and we still have to sell the house.  Hopefully, it will sell quickly though this is a bad time of year to be selling.  OK, enough about that as it is still hard to think about.

So I'll throw in a bit more random...and say, "I LOVE FALL!"  It is crock pot weather and so far, we have had Jenn's Beer Can Chili and tonight I made Queso Dip.  I have a ham that I will throw in Monday night as I have to be @ the J-O-B for a mandatory meeting @ 1730....BLAH!  Monday's are always the days I try to sleep as late as possible.  It'll be OK since I'm counting on Mishie to keep me entertained!  Fall brings some of my favorite things.  Pumpkin Spice Latte's, Caramel Apple flavored coffee creamer, Harvest Moon Pumpkin Ale, cool weather that lets me bring out my sweaters and boots, cerulean blue skies that Mother Nature brings forth to remind us of the beauty of her ways, and the burst of colors amongst the trees. It will soon be time for the Earth to bare it's soul and replenish for a springtime burst of color....in six months!  LOL

Nic's birthday was a success...as we were able to have a wonderful dinner on the 24th, then lots of family and friends who gathered to celebrate on the 25th.  We have gone almost every year since I can remember to Clemmons Forest in Clayton to have a picnic and take a walk through the "talking rocks and trees."  We aren't sure it will happen this year so we ended up having Nic's party there.  It was a huge success.  Rayford grilled hot dogs for all of us and we spent most of the time cracking jokes and misbehaving, as is the norm when we all get together!  The kids had so much fun and ran til they were sweaty little beings!  A few pictures for your viewing entertainment.....

The four of us gathered for Nic's Birthday Dinner

Nic being "serenaded @ TGI Friday's

My sweaty Birthday Boy taking a MUCH needed break!

AJ during a "sweet" moment holding hands with Savanna on our walk

Savanna and Nic

Poppa Joe, Kisha, Micheal, AJ, and Savanna listening to the "story" of the rock

So, If you've held on this long...I thank you.  I know I ramble, sputter, start, and stop, but blogging is my way of getting the words out of my head and down on "paper," so to speak.  I am going to go back to my Pumpkin Ale (so yummy!), Titanic is on, and Richard will be here shortly.  As always, remember, these are the moments that make up your life.  Even the bad ones....make each one count for something.

~trish