The Storm

I took a nap and awoke to a strange sound. I lay there half asleep wondering what had woken me. I heard it again... A scraping sound. I fell asleep with the balcony door open, as always. I sat up wondering why it was so dark and heard the ominous sounds of thunder. A rolling sound that grew louder before the boom. A streak of lightening lights the sky as I walk through the door and up to the railing. A gust of wind rakes the hair from my face as I hear the scrape again, right next to me. It's the chairs being blown backwards by the wind. I stack them and look out to the ocean again. People are racing to close canopies, grab chairs, grab towels and reluctant children, and the thunder shakes the sky once more. As I watch the people below running to take cover a thought creeps in. It's always been my dream to watch a hurricane come in. This is nothing close to a hurricane but I'm here, the ocean is angry, and I believe I am too. I grab the first jacket I can find, which happened to be my Momma's jacket, my camera, and the room key. I slip shorts on over my bathing suit, zip the hoodie halfway and I'm out the door before reason can take over. I'm not sure if my feet actually touched a single step during the five flights of stairs down. Of course I'm barefoot as there is no other way to be when you plan to stand in the fury and watch the waves pound the shore. I race across the patio area, up the steps to the walkway, and wonder for one moment about my plan. I turn around and see balcony after balcony on either side. There are people watching from the safety of cover. I don't want safety. I want anger. I want rain. I want wind and thunder. I sit on the top step, mere inches from the sand. I watch the sea oats bending to kiss the ground, hear the thunder ripping through the sound of the wind, and again hesitate. I'm so tired of holding back from what I want. What I need. Stuffing my phone in my pocket and burying my hands I step out onto the sand. The wind rips off my hood and rain stings my face. Determined, I cross the empty beach wondering if the water is cold. At the first dip of toes in the waves I realize it's like bath water. I wade knee deep feeling the current pulling my feet. I was not sure how long I stood there until later but for that moment, time stopped. The waves crashed so furiously that there was no way to tell where one stopped and another began. There came a point in the downpour when I couldn't tell what was rain and what was tears. Not until I licked a drop of moisture from my lips did I realize I was crying. I have anger some times at the losses in my life. Both physically and emotionally. I felt each wave like a moment in space. Like a brutal beating of regrets, dreams, hopes, and fantasies. As the water rushed away from my feet, I felt each one washing out to sea. Lost in a vast depth that only God can fathom. For as much as man tries, he can never explain the sheer depth of feeling that the beauty and power of the ocean has upon my soul. As I stood there sobbing, lost in the sounds of a storm and the waves, I began to feel renewed. Awe struck. It was a breathtaking, terrifying, and mesmerizing feeling that no words I can write would ever explain. Nor can the pictures I snapped. For a brief moment, I was only one person out there. I was not alone though. I was touched. Moved. Motivated. Maybe even understood. Then the sun began to light the sky just enough to feel as though I was heard. The waves glowed, as if lit from below. Then sparkled like a million diamonds. Before I could exhale the breath it felt like I'd been holding for hours, the sun was gone again.

I'm back upstairs. The storm is gone. A momentary pause for most of these vacationers. I write sitting on the balcony, feet through the bars, feeling the now soft breeze. The people are flocking back down, setting up their chairs and splashing in the waves. How I pity them for missing the best part of the vacation. Then again, for that space in time when it felt as if I had the beach to myself, I thank them for being scared. They let me have my moment with God. I needed that. I found myself free, even if it was only for a moment.

Faith, graduation, and patience

For the moment...it feels like good things come to those who wait. Patience has never been a strong point for me. In plotting my next move, it never occurred to me the forces at work. Suffice it to say, being damn good at what I do was rewarded. With written promise of more to come. That brings a sigh of relief. The second job has not panned out, but alas, this was a blessing due to there being another "plan" in the works by my God. Some of y'all might be surprised to hear me talk of faith...truth is, only one knows the secrets of my heart and He isn't telling. I often forget to "let go and let God," but I assure you, the last six months, I have done a LOT of that! He has heard and responded. Maybe not in MY time or in MY way, but always in a way that makes me say, "Ohhhh, NOW I see!" To put it simply, I am a blessed girl and though I forget it at times, today I am reminded again.

I watched my...Baby Girl walk the stage and receive one of the greatest milestones of a Momma's life...her high school diploma. Yes, I am fully aware of this being her accomplishment. Her moment. Her hard work and dedication, even in the face of great struggle. But all of you have to admit, this is one of the biggest things a parent wants for their child. I told my kids since kindergarten, "The only FREE thing you will ever receive in this life is your high school diploma. No matter how much you f* up after that, no one can ever take that accomplishment away from you. If you play your cards right, it will also open doors for you that otherwise would be shut, locked, super glued, and welded shut!" I had the utter joy, the absolute delight, and the heart stopping moment of watching this for my girl. Hearing them say her name, "Erin Nicole Gilliam," brought a quick series of flashbacks. The moment during my ultrasound when the doctor told us it was a girl. The moment her father and I chose her name. The moment I watched Mark cradle her in his arms, tears in his eyes, as we awed at her beauty. The first time I said her name out loud. Hearing her name called during kindergarten graduation. The sparkle in her eye the first time she sat in the drivers seat and looked at me and smiled. The sound of her voice when she told me she was pregnant. All of this in the space of a few heartbeats as I watched her walk across the stage, shake hands, and grasp the prize. Erin Nicole, Baby Girl, my first love...I am so proud of you. I'm awed by the wonderful woman I see when I look at you. I am still amazed at the beauty that is you, not only outside, but inside as well. I love you deeper than the ocean, higher than the sky. Always.

{sunset on the way back from graduation}

Now comes...many long weeks of missing my boyz, working extra hours, and deciding the next step in my life. An interesting suggestion was made to me today and it has left me thoughtful. I have always wanted to go back to school and the suggestion thrown out today brought that back again. Can I handle it? Am I too old? Will the boyz understand the long term benefits? Do I REALLY want to take that step that has always been a dream? Time will tell. That's the funny thing about time. It waits for no one. No one is promised tomorrow. Things change in the space of a breath, a heartbeat, a moment in time. I already look back and wish I had done things differently. Do I want to feel the same way a year from now? Wondering if I had just taken a leap of my faith, trust that His plan will unfold as it should, and do what I want... Who knows? There might be more in store yet. Until then, I'm making more time for friends, myself, and continuously reminding myself that only I have the power to control my reaction. Shew! That's a lot to handle on a good day! Lol

For those who don't know...the running/walking has been put on hold. On June 2nd, I got up early and ran. During the last quarter mile, my knee started aching. I slowed to a walk and as I was nearing the end, I decided to run the last bit. Two steps into the run, I knew I couldn't keep going. I figured I just pushed too hard and after a hot shower and Motrin, I felt better. Unfortunately, by that Monday, I could barely walk, let alone handle the pain. I had it checked out and it appears to be patella tendonitis. It's been almost two weeks and there have been some very bad days. I am hard headed (is anyone surprised?!) and have struggled to stay off my leg. I'm pleased that while I'm hurting tonight, it is a tiny bit better today than yesterday. Yesterday was a little better than the day before. I miss running. It became an escape. A chance to think. To spend time with the boyz. To just...be. I fight with myself that I need to give it a few more days before I try to walk the trails. My heart though, screams to go. Again, patience is NOT something I possess!! Hopefully I can get back to it soon. Otherwise I'm going to go crazy!

I want to close...with a quote but I'm going to have to think about it. In the meantime, I have garlic roasting in the oven, hummus on the menu, and a cold beer in hand. Time to upload some pictures while I muddle through the muck in my mind for a quote.

"And think not you can direct the course of love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.  Love has no desire but to fufill itself.  But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires; To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.  To know the pain of too much tenderness.  To be wounded by your own understanding of love; And to bleed willingly and joyfully.  To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving; To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ectasy; To return home at eventide with gratitude; And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips"  ~Khalil Gibran, The Prophet

Tough days and "It's a Girl!"

~originally written 6/3/12~

So much brewing...in my mind for the last few days. Some good, some not, and some ever so peaceful moments. Friday just was not a good day. I struggled to remember to breathe. In, out, in, out. I tried to stay busy after a morning of a stomach that wasn't happy. It was mentioned today that maybe my nerves were the cause. Hmmm. Possibly. I didn't feel bad, just a tummy that was miserable. I dropped the boyz off and was back home by 5. Then began just hours and hours of struggle. Couldn't say why or what. Just was. I can say, it ended much better. Sometimes, a simple whispered statement can change your whole mood.

I woke up...the next morning with the lingering frustration of the day before and was somewhat angry with myself. As I lay there contemplating this anger I realized that I am allowed to have bad days. I'm human. Add to that being female and it's a done deal. If I wanna spend a day being miserable, cranky, and weepy...I'm allowed. It's what I do NEXT that matters. So, with that thought, I poured a cup of coffee and had a few sips while I got dressed. Tennis shoes tied, hair in a ponytail, and I was out. 5.2 miles later it was only a little after ten and I felt wonderfully better. The trails were breathtaking. There was enough of the morning chill in the air that I felt refreshed. Cleansed almost. Branches and leaves scattered all over the pavement showed evidence of the storms during the night. Yet the sun was shining and as I rounded one of the curves I saw such beauty, I lost what breath I had left. The sight of the sun burning the moisture of the asphalt made a gorgeous mist. Everything was a spectacular green, lit with rays of the sun, mixed with the mist. Just spell bounding. I am so thankful I made myself go run. By the time I got home, had breakfast, and a shower the day was off to a great start.

Saturday...was Erin's ultrasound. I was beyond excited that she invited me. Momma was coming too so I anxiously awaited her making it to my house since we were riding together. It seemed like the longest drive ever! We, of course, were 20 minutes early. Erin, of course, was barely on time. Harley, his mom, and his grandmother were also there. Seeing the images up on the screen just blew me away. Ultrasounds have come a long way since my babies! We watched her open and close her mouth, often sticking her tongue out! Eyes open occasionally, hand playing with the umbilical cord , and chubby cheeks so obvious! She has mine and Erin's lips and did I mention the chubby cheeks?! I am so blessed to have been there to witness!! I cannot wait to snuggle Lily and kiss those cheeks!

Oh my "What a melancholy day," I kept thinking. "What a a GREAT day," I kept thinking. The last day of the school year. No more getting up at o' dark thirty. No more homework, folders, missing pencils, lack of appropriate clothes at the last minute, and watching for buses. This also means no more quiet one on one convos with Nic while we sip coffee in the morning mist, watching for approaching lights and listening for the squeal of brakes. No more snuggles on the couch with AJ watching cartoons and contemplating breakfast choices. No more egg sammiches made with half open eyes while groping for the coffeepot. No more stories at the dinner table of who said what, who chased who, and what was going on the next day. It brings more opportunity for outside activities while we soak up every available ray of sunlight. It's the end of one adventure, the beginning of another. Tomorrow, we celebrate with a day trip to the beach before they head off to their Daddy's for a long visit. Saturday brings Erin's high school graduation...another melancholy yet joyous day. This is what we, as parents, work so hard for. What we yell about. What we spend sleepless nights worrying about. What we anticipate, even when they are but a speck in the womb. It's our goal from the moment we hold them in our arms. To see them grow.  To see them pass another year. To watch them become people. Productive, hard working, thoughtful, and responsible adults we can point at and say, "I made that. I did that. That one is MINE!".  A quote...."Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.  Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.  It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.  We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?  Actually, who are you not to be?  You are a child of God.  Your playing small does not serve the world.  There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.  We are all meant to shine, as children do.  We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.  It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.  And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.  As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.". ~Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of "A Course in Miracles," 1992 (commonly misattributed to Nelson Mandela, 1994 inauguration speech)

Kicked back...relaxed, sippin on gin and juice. Errr, back up!  It's more like a BL Platinum but gin would be delicious now that this song is running through my head. My body, mind, and soul just said "Ahhh!" cause my "official" work week is done. I know it was only three days but it surely tried to make up for it by being a stressful few days. However, I have managed to keep my new attitude in place and handled it well. Making sure I put every effort into not only remembering to eat, but striving to eat healthier. Reminding myself that only I can control how I react! I've remembered to take my vitamin every day which is a huge act of Congress!  Most days, I struggle to remember my name, let alone taking a vitamin. I have no excuse for this forgetfulness, just learning to take care of me has been new. I ran Sunday, Monday, skipped Tuesday, and ran again yesterday. I went alone yesterday and pushed myself more than usual. I am fairly certain my grin put the sun to shame on the ride home yesterday. I did 5.2 miles in 43 minutes! *fist pump, happy dance* My left leg started really hurting at work yesterday and after talking to Robin, I worried it might be a stress fracture. I looked it up online (yes, I KNOW better but seriously, I'm freaking human ya know!) and while a stress fracture is hard to diagnose, I decided I could at least try. Half a mile in I was worried. I told myself when I made it to the wooded trail, if I was still hurting, I'd stop. Hit the bench/start of the wooded trail and said "F%#¥ it, I've got this!" I'm so glad I did because I rocked it. I was sore as hell by the evening but a dose of Motrin, a hot shower this morning, and I feel fantastic!  I pray I can keep this up. Not only is it taking care of my health, it's feeling damn good about myself. That has been in short supply in recent weeks.

Which brings me...around to a comment last night. In looking at the calendar, I realized that almost every weekend (at least almost every Saturday) for the next two months, I've got something going on. I was called a "social butterfly" and I'm not sure that was a compliment. I thought a lot about that comment and realized that in truth, I am far from a social butterfly. The reality is, when Daddy died, I shut down. I refused (politely of course) every invitation...be it to come visit me, go visit someone else, or just to join an event. After several weeks of this, most invitations stopped. It makes sense when I think about it now. At the time I was so wrapped up in grief, guilt, "what if" thoughts, and depression that my only thoughts were "breathe in, breathe out." How many texts I answered with that response, I'll never know...but it was a lot. Every time I got to a place where I thought I was ok, something new came up, got said, or happened. There is a part of me that thinks writing out what happened (with losing Daddy) would be cathartic. Probably not something I would post. Just might help. There is a part of me that isn't sure I'm ready yet. Time will tell. I'm writing more. Several times a day actually. Most of it isn't anything I want to post. I have some dark thoughts. Writing helps. I have one major struggle/issue that isn't for public consumption and that is all I'll say about that!

So...let's see...This Saturday is an excitement!  Erin is having a 3D ultrasound and we are hoping to confirm that her coming bundle is in fact a girl!  I have searched high and low and there is VERY little "gender-neutral" clothing!  It makes me wanna scream! What happened to the joy of hearing, "It's a girl/boy?!?!" Mark and I did find out that Erin was a girl but I didn't know what either of the boyz were going to be. It's one of life's beautiful surprises (IMO) and I enjoyed those moments immensely. I don't judge what someone else chooses, it's more of a frustration that I can't purchase anything without knowing.  That question will hopefully be laid to rest after Saturday. Y'all know there will be texts and a FB post to follow when I know for sure. I am beyond excited that she asked me to be there. Is it Saturday yet?!?

The following Saturday...(June 9th) I will be the proud Momma, camera (cell phone to be specific since a camera is out of my budget...boo!) in hand, beaming hard enough to dim the lights as my daughter walks the stage for high school graduation. I said in the last blog post that we spend all these years praying we made the right decisions along the way, only to hold our breath as we watch them fly. I'm torn between absolute joy in watching her graduate, sorrow in realizing childhood is over, and fear that I haven't told her all she needs to know. Look both ways before you cross the street. (Now I wonder if I should have told her every decision in her life requires her to "look" in both directions) Remember that friends are the "glue" of life. (If it weren't for my friends, there are days I might not have gotten out of bed!) Always share. (This will apply to EVERY moment of your life. Sharing makes us part of our world. It connects us, it reaps what we sow, it makes us better people!) I hold my breath. In anticipation. In fear. In utter awe at this life I created. At this life that I created that carries a new life within. Come August, there will be a baby. A continuation of life. A new beginning. I've ALWAYS believed that out of death comes life. It doesn't always come in the way we thought. Who are we to judge?  Who are we to question?  All I know is, I cannot wait to hold my grandchild in my arms and be the first to sing happy birthday!

I close with a longing...Hug your babies tight. Hug your big kids tighter. Hug your parents ONE MORE TIME before you go. Never, EVER, EVER forget to say "I love you" because you NEVER know what tomorrow will bring. I'm very guilty of the last. I don't use the words enough. I hope those in my circle know how very much I love them. How they are in my thoughts even though hours, days, even weeks of silence pass. With that, I give you a quote that weighs heavy on my heart today. A friend posted about the loss of her father on FB today and I cannot even bring myself to offer sympathy due to the absolute grief that hits me when I think of it. To lose a loved one, no matter the cause (illness, tragedy, suicide, or just age) is a devastation that cannot be understood. Every situation, every circumstance is different. Please remember that before passing judgement.

"...When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight..."

Sunday

I've been snuggled...in my bed for the last two hours with my AJ. Watching movies, eating oatmeal, drinking coffee, and enjoying some one on one time with my "baby." It isn't often that I get time with my kids individually so I'm soaking in every second. He, on the other hand, is raring to go, go, go!  I know he has enjoyed this morning almost as much as I have but he misses his brother. Nic stayed the night with my Mishie and I'm sure he is in no hurry to come home. I haven't decided yet when we are leaving since I knew that Nic was hoping to spend the day there. We had the best time yesterday. I forget how much I need my friends until I'm with them. We are not destined to walk the journey of life alone. It requires friends, family, and loved ones to reach our destination. Sometimes they walk beside us as we stroll through the easy moments. Sometimes they pick us up and carry us when the weight of the world pulls us down. Other times they walk ahead of us to forge our path. Our journey should never be taken alone. 

After a 5.2 mile run on Friday...(go US!), yesterday morning was damn near a circus act while trying to get out of bed! I ached in muscles I didn't know existed. I figured out that as I kept moving, things were loosening up. That is, until I tried to go to the bathroom. All I can say is, thank God for a strategically placed wall and bathtub. Without those, I'm not sure how I would have gotten up!  Once up again, I just tried to keep moving. I managed to get some coffee in me and just when I started to feel slightly human, here comes Nic down the hall. Limping, moaning, and barely refraining from tears. I couldn't help but chuckle since an hour before, that was probably the look on my face!!  "Just keep moving baby. It gets better," was the only thing I could say. That wasn't even said with a straight face. After a long day with friends, finally lying down around midnight last night felt sooo good!  Final words of last night.... "I cannot wait to run again tomorrow!" Today is the day and I'm pleased to still feel the burn in my calves. Much better than yesterday, but still noticeable. 

Since AJ is getting cranky...and tired of waiting, it's time to jump in the shower and rock this day. There are many loads of laundry to do, floors to clean, and dishes to do but ya know what? It'll be waiting for me whenever I decide to tackle them. Right now isn't that moment. Today we are going to enjoy the moments. It's not the moments in life that make it so, it's the life in those moments! Or something along those lines :p Enjoy, I know I'm going to! 

Ahhh, a lovely afternoon...spent by the pool with Mishie, Momma, and all the boyz.  It was absolutely worth the drive!  It rained pretty hard on the way back and by the time I dropped Momma back at her house, it seemed to have stopped. I'm not so sure what the sky is going to do but I KNOW that I really want to run. Nic is game. AJ, not so much. Nic is currently re-stringing the weed eater and I'm going to change clothes in the hopes that if they don't want to go, I can still go alone. I figured since I started a load of laundry, I've at least put some effort into much needed housework. Off to see what happens. Stay tuned....

All I can say now is..."the best laid plans of mice and men." I'm not sure where that line comes from but it sure as hell fits my evening. When I dropped Momma off at her house this evening, letting AJ stay was mentioned. He didn't want to stay, so he said. Nothing was said about it all the way home. Get here, I change, start a load of laundry, Nic fixes the weed eater, and AJ eats dinner. I head out the front door to say I'm ready to run and AJ throws what can only be described as a "drama queen hissy fit!" Nic is my usual drama queen but AJ was showing his colors tonight!  He didn't wanna go, he didn't wanna stay, he didn't wanna do anything but whine! This is when he informs me he wanted to stay at Grandmas but needed to come home and eat first. *sigh* That boy will eat anything that doesn't eat him first. I made HIM call and ask if it was ok to come over while Nic and I ran and thankfully, the answer was yes. Sooo, drive there, slow down and let him jump out (just kidding....geez!), and Nic and I race to the park. The issue at hand was the sign says they are open from sunrise to sunset. It was 1930 when we started the trail. He and I did 3.2 miles in 35 minutes, and I ran 2 of it before I punked out. We went back to Momma's to pick AJ up, I visit with Momma for a few minutes, and then we say goodbye and head to the car.  AJ comes to the car, hangs his head, and asks if he can stay the night. I tell him he has to ask Grandma if it's ok, the answer is yes again, and while shaking my head, we head back home...just Nic and I. I was a bit cranky about that but truth is, I had some one on one time with AJ this morning, now I get some with Nic. To make a long story short, it lasted an hour and a half before my Mom had to bring AJ home. *sigh again* Oh well, I had an amazing run with Nic, had time to talk with him on the way there, to Momma's, then back home again. I feel fantastic from the run even though I can barely move as I write this! I say I see a difference already though I think that might be wishful thinking. Whatever it is, I know that I am making steps (ha ha, see what I did there? :p) towards taking care of ME! 

One of those "steps"...is taking the time to write. I know it's cathartic to get the words out. It's always been my thing I guess. Pouring out the thoughts that swarm and buzz. I have found that whether anyone reads it or not isn't the point. It's having it THERE when/if the kids ever wanna read it. The words are there when I need a stroll down memory lane. When I posted the blog the other day, I read backwards, all the way to the first one. I cried, I laughed, and I ached with the memories. I have friends who are overwhelmed (in a good way!) with the "baby" moments. I write this with a daughter graduating in two weeks,  also turning 18 in a month, ALSO giving me a grandchild in about 2 months, and 13 and 10 year old boyz sound asleep down the hall. This is what we do as parents. We raise them to be independent. To have lives of their own. To unfurl the wings we've given them and FLY. I often wonder if they realize that as Momma's (and Daddy's!), our hearts are in our throats while we wonder if we did the right thing over the last few years. I remember changing diapers, sleepless nights, tripping over toys, and wondering if it would ever end. Let me tell you, on a Saturday night, kids asleep before 10, nothing more than a stray shoe accidentally left in the floor, I feel slightly lost. Time to find myself eh?  Bring it on!  This summer is my turn to find ME!  We'll see what I find. We'll see if I can keep these changes I'm making in place.  I read that it takes 21 days to make something a habit. I'm 13 days in to a new routine....here goes nothing. 

I have a quote...as usual. I was introduced to Khalil Gibran about 2 years ago and I keep his writing, "The Prophet" open on my iPod at all times. I love the quotes and this one seems fitting... 
"Therefore let your soul exalt your reason to the height of passion; that it may sing; And let it direct your passion with reason, that your passion may live through its own daily resurrection, and like the phoenix rise above its own ashes." 

Monday

Waking up I knew...it was going to be one of the mornings that I caught an extra 45 minutes of sleep on the couch. I didn't sleep much or well the night before and it was going to take that extra few minutes (and several cups of coffee of course!) to get me through the day. Thankfully, traffic was decent, work went smoother than usual, and I was in the car at 5 pm. That so rarely happens that I actually smiled while I locked the office door!  A phone call home to let the boyz know that I was on the way and I discovered that they wanted to go to White Deer Park to walk. I hesitated because yesterday I went alone and walked just shy of 5 miles. I wasn't sure I could handle two days in a row after so many months of minimal physical activity. I asked if they were sure that is what they wanted to do and heard a unanimous "yes!" from the peanut gallery. I made it home by 5:20, changed, and back in the car on the way by 5:30. We started the trail by 5:45 and all I can say is it turned into one of those evenings where I didn't have to remind myself every few moments that it is not ok to eat your young when you are of the human race. They had me laughing from the beginning. We saw a woman we had seen last week who they call "poufy." Then, AJ had to exclaim loudly, "Isn't there a 'no nudity' rule here?"  This occurred when a formerly large man ran by without a shirt on. I have to admit, a shirt would have helped cause I was worried some of the swinging skin might do bodily damage to passing people. We saw some beauties of nature along the way. (I do NOT mean people!) I found an opportunity to talk to my boyz without telephones, computers, or tv's running in the background.  What a blessing these walks have been.

As usual...my writing is sporadic and rarely gets completed the same day. It's Thursday now, the end to my work week (at my paying job that is!) and the boyz and I just got home from a RUN. No, that isn't a typo... We actually ran two miles.  The trail we take is 2.2 miles around.  There is another mile that you can add on if you go through the woods.  I half walk, half run when I'm by myself.  I have been walking the last week when the boyz are with me.  Due to them knowing that my health has been an issue lately, they are the ones encouraging the daily walks.  Today, they decided we had walked enough.  About half a mile into the trails, Nic says, "Let's run from here to the wooded trail where the extra mile starts."  I look at AJ who exclaims, "Let's DO IT!"  We all put our headphones in, give thumbs up, and we are off.  Now, I had told them "low and slow" to start out.  I'm proud to say all three of us did a solid mile before stopping.  We took it down to a brisk walk while high fiving each other!  I'm beyond proud of those boyz!  Not only for encouraging me but for doing it WITH me.  We walked probably a quarter mile, then ran another mile, then walked a quarter, then ran the end of it.  Total for the day is 3.2 miles!  I'm sore, still drying out the sweat, but feel AHH-MAZING!  They talked all the way home about tomorrow, attempting to run more.  Did I mention how damn proud I am of them yet?! :p


Some other things...have been brewing lately.  I'm still torn on how I feel about stuff but I have finally seen some of it for what it is.  A blessing.  After months upon months of struggling with how to financially continue in my current job, an opportunity fell in my lap.  I'm NOT leaving my current job.  While I absolutely love what I do, I am beyond done with the drama that comes with it.  I just remembered how best to proceed.  A conversation last night stuck in my head all day today and honestly, it's what has me in the current mood I carry.  Over two years ago, I inked "it is what it is" on my forearm.  I put a lot of thought into where I was going to put it.  I knew what I was putting, just not where.  I chose my forearm to be a constant reminder.  I finish the quote (if you view it that way...I do, it's my blog, bite me if you don't like it....) in multiple different ways in my head.  It just depends on the day and the moment.  Today, I've finished it (in my head of course) with "and only I have the power to control how I react."  That reminder has been missing lately.  It isn't that I didn't "see" it staring at me from my arm....it's that I chose to let emotion and reaction control me.  In that aspect, I can only blame myself.  I got through today with the thought "it is what it is" and "one day at a time" running through me.  Hmmm, another tat?  I'm definitely over due for another one!!  I back track, as usual, but suffice it to say... With the opportunity that has arisen, I have a chance to bust my ass this summer, make a difference in my finances, and it is up to ME to remember that I have to take care of myself.  Physically (by running/walking, checking my blood sugar more often, and paying attention to what I'm eating)  Emotionally (by remembering that only I have the power to control MY reaction to any given situation, and that a person can only deal with one day at a time...even super Mom)  Mentally (by remembering to do things for ME...I foresee a trip or two to my favorite place this summer.......)  When I'm running, it's what I see in my mind.  What I dream I'm running towards.  While I run, I dream of the sounds of the waves, washing in, taking my worries and fears, and rolling back out into a depths that I cannot fathom.  Letting those worries and fears wash into an abyss...No longer needed by me.  Taken on by something more powerful than myself.  By something that will exist long after me.  By something that is never ending, as it storms in, and quietly rolls back. 

Dinner is done...and boyz are staggering in looking for food.  It's time to close for now.  I'd like to say I'm going to make more effort to post again.  Truth is, who knows if I'll have the time, let alone the words.  Writing has always been my release.  We'll see what tomorrow brings.  I can only take "one day at a time" and this day is almost over.  I'm ending it with a feeling of peace.  Something I've been missing for a few weeks.  It feels pretty damn good if I do say so myself.  And I do...cause it's my blog and all :D


I leave you with a quote...as always.  Though this time, it's from a song I love.  The Fray, All At Once     "...all at once the crowd begins to sing, sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same..."