Faith, graduation, and patience

For the moment...it feels like good things come to those who wait. Patience has never been a strong point for me. In plotting my next move, it never occurred to me the forces at work. Suffice it to say, being damn good at what I do was rewarded. With written promise of more to come. That brings a sigh of relief. The second job has not panned out, but alas, this was a blessing due to there being another "plan" in the works by my God. Some of y'all might be surprised to hear me talk of faith...truth is, only one knows the secrets of my heart and He isn't telling. I often forget to "let go and let God," but I assure you, the last six months, I have done a LOT of that! He has heard and responded. Maybe not in MY time or in MY way, but always in a way that makes me say, "Ohhhh, NOW I see!" To put it simply, I am a blessed girl and though I forget it at times, today I am reminded again.

I watched my...Baby Girl walk the stage and receive one of the greatest milestones of a Momma's life...her high school diploma. Yes, I am fully aware of this being her accomplishment. Her moment. Her hard work and dedication, even in the face of great struggle. But all of you have to admit, this is one of the biggest things a parent wants for their child. I told my kids since kindergarten, "The only FREE thing you will ever receive in this life is your high school diploma. No matter how much you f* up after that, no one can ever take that accomplishment away from you. If you play your cards right, it will also open doors for you that otherwise would be shut, locked, super glued, and welded shut!" I had the utter joy, the absolute delight, and the heart stopping moment of watching this for my girl. Hearing them say her name, "Erin Nicole Gilliam," brought a quick series of flashbacks. The moment during my ultrasound when the doctor told us it was a girl. The moment her father and I chose her name. The moment I watched Mark cradle her in his arms, tears in his eyes, as we awed at her beauty. The first time I said her name out loud. Hearing her name called during kindergarten graduation. The sparkle in her eye the first time she sat in the drivers seat and looked at me and smiled. The sound of her voice when she told me she was pregnant. All of this in the space of a few heartbeats as I watched her walk across the stage, shake hands, and grasp the prize. Erin Nicole, Baby Girl, my first love...I am so proud of you. I'm awed by the wonderful woman I see when I look at you. I am still amazed at the beauty that is you, not only outside, but inside as well. I love you deeper than the ocean, higher than the sky. Always.

{sunset on the way back from graduation}

Now comes...many long weeks of missing my boyz, working extra hours, and deciding the next step in my life. An interesting suggestion was made to me today and it has left me thoughtful. I have always wanted to go back to school and the suggestion thrown out today brought that back again. Can I handle it? Am I too old? Will the boyz understand the long term benefits? Do I REALLY want to take that step that has always been a dream? Time will tell. That's the funny thing about time. It waits for no one. No one is promised tomorrow. Things change in the space of a breath, a heartbeat, a moment in time. I already look back and wish I had done things differently. Do I want to feel the same way a year from now? Wondering if I had just taken a leap of my faith, trust that His plan will unfold as it should, and do what I want... Who knows? There might be more in store yet. Until then, I'm making more time for friends, myself, and continuously reminding myself that only I have the power to control my reaction. Shew! That's a lot to handle on a good day! Lol

For those who don't know...the running/walking has been put on hold. On June 2nd, I got up early and ran. During the last quarter mile, my knee started aching. I slowed to a walk and as I was nearing the end, I decided to run the last bit. Two steps into the run, I knew I couldn't keep going. I figured I just pushed too hard and after a hot shower and Motrin, I felt better. Unfortunately, by that Monday, I could barely walk, let alone handle the pain. I had it checked out and it appears to be patella tendonitis. It's been almost two weeks and there have been some very bad days. I am hard headed (is anyone surprised?!) and have struggled to stay off my leg. I'm pleased that while I'm hurting tonight, it is a tiny bit better today than yesterday. Yesterday was a little better than the day before. I miss running. It became an escape. A chance to think. To spend time with the boyz. To just...be. I fight with myself that I need to give it a few more days before I try to walk the trails. My heart though, screams to go. Again, patience is NOT something I possess!! Hopefully I can get back to it soon. Otherwise I'm going to go crazy!

I want to close...with a quote but I'm going to have to think about it. In the meantime, I have garlic roasting in the oven, hummus on the menu, and a cold beer in hand. Time to upload some pictures while I muddle through the muck in my mind for a quote.

"And think not you can direct the course of love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.  Love has no desire but to fufill itself.  But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires; To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.  To know the pain of too much tenderness.  To be wounded by your own understanding of love; And to bleed willingly and joyfully.  To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving; To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ectasy; To return home at eventide with gratitude; And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips"  ~Khalil Gibran, The Prophet